


Lone Wolf

by Starlight1395



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Emotional Abuse, Graphic Self Harm, He won't be around for long though, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, MX is the official protect Changkyun squad, No. Mercy era, OC love interest, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Self Harm, Self-Acceptance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempts, Verbal Abuse, mild physical abuse, self sabotage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-05-26 07:57:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14996339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Changkyun felt like throwing up. He wasn't supposed to debut - yet his name was called to be the sixth member. Everyone must hate him, right? He certainly hates himself enough for the six of them. They must hate him for taking Gunhee's place and for messing up the choreography and for making a nuisance of himself-Changkyun's fears and anxieties get the better of him and he realizes that he doesn't deserve anything he has.When he meets another trainee he thinks he'll be loved, but he quickly learns the difference between fear and love, but by then, is it too late for the other members to save their maknae from himself and the boy who's hurting him?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally finished No. Mercy and it was a lot different than i thought. There was a lot more banter and goofing around when I was expecting a lot of drama and angst all the time. When I saw Changkyun's reaction to being called, I was inspired to write something a little different than the usual No. Mercy bullying angst fics

“When saw there were two spots left, I knew neither one was mine.” Changkyun remembered exactly how he felt looking at the final two platforms on the stage. He knew exactly what was about to happen. Gunhee was going to be the second rapper and either Minhyuk or Seokwon would become the final vocalist. There was no place for him in the lineup, and he knew that. Changkyun knew the moment he was introduced to the other trainees that night at the restaurant that he wasn’t going to debut, and if he was being honest that was never his goal.

He knew joining halfway was risky, and he was fully aware that there was no way he would be able to build enough of a fanbase to be chosen. Despite this, Changkyun wanted to get his name out there in the industry. He wanted people to know the name IM and what he was capable of – and No. Mercy was the best chance he had to do that.

In the moments before the sixth member was announced, Changkyun thought back on his weeks with the boys. Though he spent only a fraction of the time with them, he found himself getting closer to the trainees. They were hesitant at first, and he didn’t blame them. Especially Yoonho, Jooheon and Gunhee – the three rappers he was going against. He knew they had just lost Minkyun – as if he hadn’t been watching almost religiously before he even was offered a spot. He had grown close to the youngest rapper, even though their free time was limited to ten minute breaks and midnight runs to the convenience store when they were supposed to be sleeping. Watching his new friend be eliminated broke Changkyun’s heart, and yet he couldn’t let himself cry.

“The sixth member to debut is…” K. Will’s voice droned on and Changkyun wish he would just get on with it. The suspense was making him dizzy and all he wanted to do was go back and pack his bags so he could move onto the next opportunity.

“IM, congratulations.”

Changkyun’s heart fell to his stomach. He physically stumbled back, covering his face with trembling hands. Time seemed to stop as his mind caught up with what K. Will had said. He took a hesitant step forward, but he thought his knees were going to give up. Fighting back the bile that was fighting to come out just as hard, Changkyun made his way to the sixth platform on shaking legs. He stumbled stepping up, his ears ringing so loud he almost missed the final trainee to debut.

“ _No,”_ He thought to himself as the judges started talking, not that he was able to hear any of them. _“This wasn’t supposed to happen… Jooheon was supposed to debut with Gunhee…_ ”

“Let’s hear from our trainees.” A voice broke through his thoughts. He bit his lip roughly when Jooheon started crying. His hyung was so hardworking, always pushing his friends to work a little harder but at the same time he was able to keep the atmosphere light and pleasant. He shouldn’t be crying, Changkyun though languidly. Jooheon should be happy, but he wasn’t.

Because Changkyun stole his best friend’s spot.

In that moment, all the times he and the elder rapper spent together vanished from his mind. None of that mattered. No matter how close they got, Jooheon and Gunhee were that much more inseparable. Changkyun thought he was going to be sick.

“Take a look around,” He couldn’t tell which judge was talking to them. His hands were shaking and it genuinely felt like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. He couldn’t control his breathing and his vision was starting to go black. He hide behind his hood even more. “These people are your members. They are your only chance for support.”

Changkyun could feel the burning stares of his new members digging into the sides of his head, but the boy couldn’t bring himself to raise his head even an inch.

He couldn’t believe he made it.

“You have to work extra hard, right?” Jooheon approached him and grabbed the back of the boy’s neck in a comforting gesture. Changkyun found himself resting his forehead on his hyung’s shoulder as Jooheon rubbed his neck.

He shouldn’t have made it.

“Come on kid, let’s get back to the dorms before Gunhee and Seokwon leave. I wanna say g-goodbye.” Jooheon’s voice cracked and Changkyun wanted to sob. He had never felt so desolate before – not when he spent three years in Boston being treated like he was either stupid because of his accent or like he was something to be collected because of his features. Not when he was in Israel for four years and he hard to learn the culture as a scared, lost child. In all his life, Changkyun never hated himself more than when he heard Jooheon’s voice break.

The ride back was silent. No one knew what to say. They were able to fit in one car, something they had never been able to do before. Changkyun sat in the back, staring blankly at his lap. No one spoke, but everyone could read the atmosphere. He shouldn’t be there, he could tell. No one was shooting him dirty looks or scoffing at him, but he could feel the tension in the car grow with every passing second.

Changkyun wasn’t good with tears. Be it his own or someone else’s, he never knew what to do with himself. The second they entered the dorm, Jooheon ran to Gunhee and broke down. Everyone scattered around the dorm to give the two a moment to say their goodbyes, but no matter how far they went the sounds of their whispers and sobs seems to leak through the thin walls. Changkyun sat by the front door, almost hoping the manager would come through telling the boys there had been a mistake, the IM was never meant to debut.

“Changkyun, come here for a second.” Gunhee’s voice scared the youngest. Changkyun didn’t realize he was dozing until he jerked awake.

“Hyung…” Changkyun didn’t know what to say. There was so much he wanted to say, but now that he had the chance anything he could think of sounded flat. “Hyung I’m so s-sorry…” His voice cracked and he could feel his throat begin to sting painfully. Gunhee looked at him with wide, confused eyes for just a second before pulling the younger rapper into a hug.

“What are you apologizing for idiot?” He said softly. His words ruffled Changkyun’s hair and the boy felt himself sob into the elder’s shoulder.

“I shouldn’t have won,” He sobbed as quietly as possible, everything hitting him all at once. “You shouldn’t be the one leaving and it’s all my fault I never should have come into the competition. I just wanted people to know my name… I never wanted to steal your place. I didn’t want to win.”

“Don’t say that kid,” Gunhee pulled away enough to look Changkyun in the eyes. “You won fair and square. You’re an amazing rapper and such a talented guy. Look, I’m not gonna lie. I’m pretty bummed that I didn’t get to debut with Jooheonie, but I get it. We’re too similar. On stage together as a duo, maybe it would have worked out. In a band? Our dynamic would have clashed. You, on the other hand, you balance him out. I’ve seen it myself. You’re good for him, and you’re going to be great as the rapper for this band. I’ll be rooting for you, so impress me, alright?”

“Hyung…” Changkyun felt another wave of tears hit him. He watched as Gunhee’s eyes softened, the older boy wiping away the new tears that instantly replaced the old.

“I believe in you Changkyun. Don’t disappoint me,” Gunhee smiled, a tear of his own falling down his cheek. “I expect great things from you. Plus, I’ll be around. Don’t think you can get rid of me so easily.” He winked before he gathered his bags.

“I’m sorry.” Changkyun whispered as he watched Gunhee and Seokwon leave the dorm for the last time. He could hear his new members moving around the dorm, their steps sounding hesitant and scared. He scrubbed his face and went to the living room.

“Minhyuk hyung.” Changkyun didn’t know why he was shocked to see the vocalist sitting on one of the empty beds. The other boy looked up, his own face streaked with tears.

“Oh, Changkyunnie… Have you been crying?” His voice was hoarse and Changkyun felt his heart break all over again.

“I could say the same to you.” He chuckled without much humor.

“I just… I can’t believe it,” Minhyuk whispered, looking at his hands. “I thought for sure I was going to… I couldn’t believe it when they called my name. I thought for sure Seokwon was going to debut…”

“Same…” Changkyun felt his throat close up again. “Gunhee hyung told me that he was going to be waiting for me to do something great but I think I’m going to end up disappointing him instead.”

“Don’t say that Changkyunnie,” Minhyuk looked at the maknae for the first time since the youngest walked in the room. “You won your spot just like the rest of us…”

“Then why does something feel off?” He asked, and Minhyuk let the question rest heavily in the air. Hyunwoo poked his head in, not noticing the atmosphere.

“Hey, we’re rearranging the rooms since it’s just seven of us now. Would you two be okay sharing a room with Jooheon?” He looked between the two of them, his eyes widening when he saw the matching tear tracks on their cheeks.

“I don’t mind.” Changkyun said first.

“Me neither, as long as they don’t snore.” Minhyuk attempted a joke that made Changkyun crack a smile.

“Sounds good,” Hyunwoo stood awkwardly in the doorway. “Someone will be by sometime tomorrow to get rid of the extra bunk bed, so we’ll have more room. We’re going to turn the living room into more closet space. It was Hyungwon’s idea, because our rooms are so small.”

Changkyun was grateful that Hyunwoo was ease some of the tension. Despite being the most awkward person the youngest had probably ever met, Hyunwoo was nothing but good intentions and smiles. Changkyun let Hyunwoo ramble on about how they’re going to rearrange the dorm as he gathered his own thoughts. He hadn’t realized he was being spoken to until a hand landed lightly on his shoulder.

“Hey, are you okay?” Minhyuk asked, looking at Changkyun with worry.

“Yeah, sorry. I guess I’m just tired.” He said quickly, panic rising in his chest.

“I get that,” the other boy tried to give a smile, but it looked wilted. “Hyunwoo hyung said the shower was free. Go wash up and get some sleep. Apparently we have a single day off before we’re thrown into the shitter again.”

“Language!” Kihyun’s voice rang from the other room and even Changkyun found it in himself to chuckle.

“Thanks hyung.” He said as he walked towards the bathroom, his feet sliding with every step.

He showered quickly and fell into his normal bunk, the comforting warmth of his blankets pushed any worry out of his mind for the moment.  
As much as he tried to prepare himself for what was waiting for him, he never could have guessed the absolute hell that he was about to run into head first.

 


	2. Chapter 2

_“God, can’t you do anything right?_ ” Changkyun’s mind screamed at him as he missed the same step in the choreography that he had been missing for the last hour. _“Pathetic. You’re holding everyone back. Look at them, they’re panting and you’re the reason they can’t take a break.”_

“Changkyunnie, are you alright?” Minhyuk gasped from next to him. He had watched the battle happening on the younger boy’s face with worry.

“I’m fine hyung,” He responded instantly, trying to push the thoughts from his mind. Minhyuk had made a comment about how robotic Changkyun sounded when he talked sometimes – something else he hated himself for. He was an idol, but he couldn’t even talk with emotion. “I just want to get this down.”

“Alright, one more time and we can take a break.” Hyunwoo called, looking concerned. Changkyun didn’t see his expression because he was too busy slowly marking the choreography in an attempt to figure out what he was doing wrong. Slowly he could do it perfectly, but as soon as the music started he seemed to trip up no matter how hard he concentrated.

When the music started, Changkyun put everything into the run through that he could. When the part came up, he focused more on his feet than his arms or face – he just wanted to get it right. Just once.

He messed it up.

The music stopped and the members flopped to the ground. Changkyun could see sweat pouring down Jooheon’s face, and knew he didn’t look much better. He ran a hand through his bangs, which stayed stuck in every direction.

Changkyun stayed on his feet. He moved closer to the mirror to give the others more room to spread out and started marking the choreography again. Each time he ran through it, he would try to do it a little faster. He hoped that he would be able to get it up to speed for the next time they danced together.

“Kyunnie, you need to take a break too.” Kihyun called over to him, causing him to trip over his own feet.

“I’m fine hyung, thank you.” He said, not looking away from his reflection.

“No, you’re not. I can see your eyes crossing in the mirror. Get your ass over here and drink some water before I hit you.” Everyone could hear the joking tone in Kihyun’s voice. That was how he showed his affection, by threatening to hit whoever wasn’t taking care of themselves. Everyone knew he was joking but Changkyun, who was too focused to notice the smile in the older boy’s voice.

 _“See, you’re not good enough. He’s going to hit you and you’re going to deserve it_.” The voice in his head ground out and Changkyun wanted to cry. He shakily made his way over to the others, who quickly cleared a spot for him to sit.

“Here, saved you a water bottle.” Jooheon tossed it to him, and Changkyun barely caught it before it smacked him in the nose.

“Thanks hyung.” He said softly, trying to hide the tremor in his voice.

_“You’re a burden. They need the water more than you, you pig. How dare you take what’s theirs. Haven’t you taken enough?”_

“Changkyun? Maybe we should stop for the day. Everyone is pretty worn out, and we made more progress than expected today.” Hyunwoo’s worried voice caught the youngest’s attention.

“No! I mean, I’m fine,” He felt his heart beating painfully fast. He didn’t want them to hate him because he couldn’t get it right. “Please, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”

“What-?” Hyunwoo furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He noticed the maknae was looking pale, and wanted to make sure no one overworked themselves so soon before their debut stage – so why was he on the verge of tears as he apologized?

“Changkyun, hey,” Hoseok came over and placed a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder. He could feel the tension in his muscles through his soaked shirt and the vocalist felt a stab of pity. Poor Changkyun must be in a lot of pain, he thought as his fingers traced the taunt muscles of his shoulders. He thought quickly, trying to come up wiht a lie that would convince the youngest to go with them. “Let’s head back. I’m not feeling well, and maybe Kihyun will cook for us if we have the time.”

“Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to cook anything,” Kihyun chimed in, noting the distress on Changkyun’s face. “We don’t want Hoseok getting sick.”

_“You dumbass, it was never about you. Here you are, crying when Hoseok is sick. You’re so selfish, you pathetic waste of space. They think the same thing. They think you’re being selfish for taking all the attention with your sniffles. You’re fine, but hyung isn’t. If he gets sick it’s all your fault-”_

“Here, climb on Kyunnie.” Hyunwoo knelt in front of Changkyun, offering to carry the youngest.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Changkyun muttered, feeling his ears burn. He knew he was a little heavier than the others – his stomach was soft and his thighs were meaty and his cheeks were round. As strong as Hyunwoo was, he didn’t want to hurt his leader with his fat ass.

“You won’t hurt me. I lift more than you at the gym every day. Besides, you’re swaying and I don’t want you to get hurt.” Hyunwoo sounded confident in his abilities, and Changkyun realized he was right – he was swaying. He hesitated before climbing on the leader’s back.

Hyunwoo instantly looped his arms around his thighs to support him, and his arms went around the elder’s neck. Changkyun immediately felt safe.

“See, it’s like lifting a piece of paper.” Hyunwoo said, not sounding strained in the slightest. Changkyun let his cheek rest on Hyunwoo’s shoulder and closed his eyes, his muscles screaming from the strain he put them through.

“Here, let him sit in the front. It’ll be easier to get him off your back.” A voice said quietly, but Changkyun was so close to sleep that he couldn’t tell who it was. He was shifted and he felt something across his chest before something soft was pressed against his forehead and he fell back asleep.

* * *

  
Changkyun looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, trembling fingers tightly holding onto the sink. He had another nightmare, and the bags under his eyes were starting to look painful. It was the same thing, the past three nights. Different settings, but the same basic plot.

They were in practice, or in the dorm, or getting ready for their debut stage, and he found himself surrounded by the other six. They start yelling at him, screaming how he never should have made it and how pathetic he was. He would wake up, sweating with silent tears running down his face. Three nights he woke with their harsh words slicing his mind. Three nights he found himself in the bathroom during the early hours of the morning, staring at himself in the mirror and realizing that maybe his dreams were trying to tell him something.

“Changkyun? Why are you awake?” Hoseok’s voice came through the door and Changkyun bit back a startled scream.

“Just had to pee,” He said quickly, trying to erase the haunted look in his eyes. “I’ll be out in a second.” He splashed some water on his face and took a deep breath before opening the door. Hoseok was wearing his normal sleep clothes – which consisted of boxers and sometimes an oversized shirt if it was chilly. The elder looked at the younger closely, noting how Changkyun’s eyes were red and how his hands seems to shake at his side.

“Hey, are you alright?” He tried to place a comforting hand on the shorter boy’s shoulder, but Changkyun flinched away from the touch before he could.

“I-I’m going to go back to bed.” Changkyun whispered before ducking around Hoseok and silently slipping back into his own room.

Hoseok stood there, hand still outstretched. What just happened?

* * *

  
Changkyun hated this feeling. The paranoia that seemed to follow him everywhere, the feeling of ink running through his veins any time he was with his members. The thoughts just kept getting worse and worse, the boy unable to go more than a few minutes before the voice was screaming at him about how useless he was.

_“You’re pathetic.”_

“You’re right.” Changkyun said to the reflection in the mirror. He slipped away to the nearest bathroom to gather his thoughts, which turned into a verbal bashing from his own mind.

 _“They don’t need you._ ”

“They really don’t…”

_“Remember what I said last night?”_

“Yes.” Changkyun thought for a fleeting moment to worry about the fact that he was having a conversation with a voice in his head, but he gave up trying to fight it. Disagreeing with the voice made it angry. He considered the voice to be his reflection almost, which was why he would stare at himself in the mirror when it would yell at him.

_“You’ll be doing them a favor if you do it.”_

“Maybe I will.”

_“You’re fucking crazy Changkyun. Look at you, talking to a voice in your head. Just kill yourself already and do everyone a favor. They want you to die.”_

“You’re… you’re lying.” He rarely fought back. The voice always said the same thing.

_“I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m part of you. Your members on the other hand… they’re the ones who are lying. They’re just playing with you until you snap. You’re just too stupid to notice. You’re lucky you have me. I would never lie to you.”_

Changkyun didn’t have anything to say to that. He never did. He didn’t want to believe the voice, but it was so compelling.

“Ya, maknae hurry up! We’re going to leave without you.” Minhyuk’s voice floated through to Changkyun, who felt his stomach heave. They were supposed to be walking to the convenience store as a treat for working so hard.

“Go without me,” He called back, his deep voice scratchy. He heard Minhyuk mutter something and instantly knew he was saying something bad about him. “I’m not feeling great and I don’t want to walk anywhere.”

“Alright… see you later I guess.” Minhyuk sounded upset, and it sent a spear through Changkyun’s heart. He waited until he heard the front door slam shut before he left the bathroom, knowing he just solidified Minhyuk’s hatred of him. He hid in his bunk, praying that he could sleep and avoid the voice for just a few hours, but he was never that lucky.

* * *

  
“Go without me.” Changkyun had called through the door and Minhyuk’s heart sank. The maknae had been pushing them away, not as though he was super close to them in the first place. He just wanted to know what was wrong with the boy.

“Damnit Changkyun, stop pushing me away.” He muttered, his frustration getting the better of him.

“I’m not feeling great and I don’t want to walk anywhere.”

“Alright… see you later I guess.” Minhyuk tried not to let his disappointment bleed through his words but failed spectacularly. He turned and left, closing the door with a little too much force. He wasn’t mad at Changkyun. He was just frustrated that he couldn’t get through to the youngest. After their moment in the living room the night of the final lineup, Minhyuk thought maybe the maknae would open up to him a little more. Instead, Changkyun closed himself off completely.

“Where’s Kyunnie?” Jooheon asked the moment Minhyuk came into view.

“Said he wasn’t feeling good,” He sounded close to tears. “I don’t know what we did wrong… Why does he hate us so much?”

“I don’t think he hates us,” Hyunwoo tried to reassure the younger boy. “He’s just having trouble opening up. It took us a while to get used to each other, remember? He’s probably still adjusting.”

“It’s been almost three months though,” Jooheon said, not trying to hide the bitterness in his words. “We were past the awkwardness with each other by then. He just… keeps pushing us away.”

“Then we have to push back,” Hoseok said firmly. “If something is wrong, and we let him push us away, he’s going to think we don’t care.”

“He’s right. We have to show him that we care.” Kihyun agreed.

“I’ll see if I can talk to him tonight,” Jooheon said quickly. “Minhyuk hyung, would you mind crashing in the other room? I think he would be more comfortable with just me.”

“He sleeps in our room half the time anyway,” Hyungwon said with a small smirk. “It’s weird to not hear his snores at this point.”

“I do NOT snore!” Minhyuk squawked, instantly turning to Hyunwoo to defend him.

“Sorry Minhyuk, he’s right,” The leader chuckled as Minhyuk’s mouth flopped like a dying fish. “Plus you kick in your sleep. Did you know that?”

“This… this is an attack,” Minhyuk said with faint horror. “This is slander. Propaganda!”

“Ya, keep it down idiot, you’re going to wake up the whole neighborhood.” Kihyun smacked him lightly on the back on the head, grinning at his friend.

“We should bring Changkyun back some snacks. He hasn’t been eating much.” Hoseok commented, not meaning to bring down the mood. Instantly everyone’s shoulders drooped.

“Do you think he’s trying to starve himself?” Hyungwon asked carefully.

“Let’s hope not…”

“He doesn’t need to lose any weight,” Hyungwon continued, looking distressed. “I’ve watched too many people waste away from eating disorders… it’s scary. There hasn’t been a single show that I’ve modeled for that didn’t have at least one anorexic model…”

“Let’s hope not,” Hyunwoo said again, firmer this time. “We have to take care of our maknae.”

* * *

 

“Changkyun?” Jooheon opened the door carefully. The lights were out, but the breathing from the top bunk was too irregular for the maknae to be asleep. In fact, it almost sounded like the boy was trying to hold back sobs. Jooheon’s heart instantly dropped. “I brought back snacks… Can you come down? I wanna talk for a bit.”

“What kind of snacks?” Changkyun whispered, and Jooheon knew he was right. The other boy had been crying.

“Well, I got some chips and a cup of ramen if you want me to cook that up for you. Plus I swiped some chocolate bars.”

“You stole chocolate bars?” Changkyun quickly sat up to look at Jooheon, who was grinning wickedly.

“Why don’t you come down here and see if I did.” He challenged and Changkyun found he was able to return the grin. He climbed down the stairs of the bunk beds, wincing slightly when his leg hit the step. Jooheon frowned. Was Changkyun hurt?

“What did you get?” Changkyun asked, for the first time sounded excited for something.

“I don’t actually know what it is, but the wrapper is in English and I know you spent a few years in America. I was hoping it was something you liked.” He laughed a little awkwardly and pulled out a Snickers bar. Changkyun’s eyes widened.

“Oh my god hyung, I fucking love you.” He grinned and Jooheon felt his ears burn.

“Here we can sit on my bunk,” He steered the younger towards his bed and let him scoot so his back was against the wall. “Changkyun, we’re friends, right?”

“Um, yeah… I think so?” Changkyun sounded confused.

“Alright well, I’m – well we all are but me especially. We’re worried about you. You’ve been kinda distant recently and…”

“I’m fine hyung,” Changkyun said, putting the chocolate bar down. His stomach was suddenly revolting. “I don’t mean to be distant.”

“I’m not mad or anything I just… did I do something? If it’s something I did, I want to apologize.” Jooheon looked at his hands, missing the horrified look on his friend’s face.

“What? No- it you didn’t do anything,” He said quickly. “It’s… it’s all me, I swear.”

“Is something wrong? You can tell me anything. No judgments. Seriously. If I had a dollar for every embarrassing thing I know about the others, I could buy us dinner for a week.”

“I just…” Changkyun felt his chest squeeze and he felt like throwing up. If it weren’t for Jooheon’s comforting hand on his back, he might have actually ran from the room. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. Like a band aid, he told himself. “I… there’s this voice in my head that tells me awful things… about myself and- and about you guys. I’ve been getting nightmares where you all… you all just yell at me and say how worthless I am… how I don’t deserve to be h-here…”

“Changkyun, look at me,” He waited until the younger rapper was looking at him and he flinched at the tears brimming the maknae’s eyes. “I’m going to start this off by saying we love you so much. You’re our maknae, and nothing can change that. The dreams? They aren’t real. I know the others have trouble showing their affection sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care for you just as much as I do. Now, about the voice. What kind of things does it say?”

“You- you don’t think I’m crazy?” The tone of Changkyun’s voice – the doubt and the shock and the unfiltered pain in his words – broke Jooheon’s heart.

“You’re not crazy Changkyun,” He said firmly, letting the younger cry into his shoulder for a moment. He just kept repeating himself, whispering how the boy wasn’t crazy and that his hyungs love him very much. “What does it tell you?”

“That I’m worthless. That you all hate me. I’m no good at dancing, or rapping. My stage presence is shit… I need to starve because I’m too fat to be an idol… that if I- I killed myself, then Gunhee could have the spot he deserved in the first place and everyone would be happy.”

“Oh god Changkyun no,” Jooheon pulled the younger into another hug, crushing the boy in his arms. Changkyun didn’t care though. “God no… fuck, we love you so much… you- fuck…” He was at a loss for words. Whatever he thought was going on with the younger never even edged on the idea of him being suicidal. Jooheon was scared.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry. I’m a disappointment.” Changkyun whimpered and Jooheon jerked away in shock.

“You’re not a disappointment,” He said, his ears ringing. “You could- you could never be a disappointment. Nothing you could ever do could disappoint us…”

“Maybe it’s right…”

“Changkyun, no,” Jooheon knew what the maknae meant and his mind went into overdrive. “We need you. We need you, alive. Please, don’t listen to the voice. It’s lying to you.”

_“He’s the lying one. You never should have told him. Now he’s going to use this against you. Use your weakness against you.”_

“Please don’t be mad,” He choked on his words. “I know I’m weak… please don’t hate me because of this.”

“I could never hate you,” Jooheon didn’t know what to say. Normally he was good at this – he was the first to console Minhyuk about his sexuality. He talked Hoseok through the panic attacks over his past and the scandal. He gave Hyunwoo pep talks almost weekly when the pressure of being leader became too much. But this? Jooheon was lost. He didn’t know how to save his friend. “I love you Changkyun. You’re way too important to us. We’re not going to let anything happen to you.”

“Please don’t tell the others!” Changkyun yelled, the sudden volume change startling the older rapper.

“I have to. I can’t let you go through this alone. We’re a team. We are our only support in this hell of an industry. You can trust us Changkyun. We just want you to believe us.”

“Please don’t tell them. They’re going to hate me… I’m so pathetic… I’m sorry I’m so worthless…” Changkyun kept going, repeating the words the voice had tattooed behind his eyelids. Jooheon just held him, trying to deny every name he called himself.

Jooheon had a horrifying thought.

“Changkyun,” He said hesitantly, his voice wavering. “What happened to your leg?”

“What do you mean?” Despite the confidence in his words, Jooheon felt the younger boy tense in his arms.

“When you came down from your bunk… you bumped your leg and winced. Are you hurt? Did… Changkyun, did you hurt yourself?”

“I’m sorry…” Changkyun was trembling, his breathing coming in short gasps. He could barely hear Jooheon trying to talk to him. All he could focus on was how hard it was to take a breath and how his vision was going fuzzy around the edges. His skin was on fire, his labored gasps sticking in his throat painfully.

“Changkyun, you need to breathe, okay? You’re hyperventilating. Shit, can you hear me? Come on, breathe with me okay?” Jooheon was panicking. He had dealt with his fair share of panic attacks, with others and himself. Gunhee was especially prone to falling victim to his own mind. This, however, was different. Changkyun slipped into the panic attack so quickly Jooheon didn’t realize what was happening until the boy started gasping.

“H-hyung…” Changkyun panted, his tears hot on his cheeks.

He was dying. Changkyun felt as though he was dying. He couldn’t breathe, his mind was going fuzzy and this throat was on fire. He could barely see and it was as though his whole body was numb. He almost missed what Jooheon was saying, the ringing in his ears getting louder and louder. No one was supposed to find out about his little problems. They were going to hate him. They were going to despise him like he deserved. His chest contracted from how hard he was gasping for breath. He tried to claw at his face – to claw away whatever was keeping him from breathing – but warm hands found his wrists and held them down. He struggled, which made everything hurt that much more. He just wanted this hell to stop. He just wanted it to end-

“Changkyun!” Jooheon cried as the boy in his arms went limp. The door burst open and Hyunwoo almost fell in, worry etched deep on his face. When he saw Changkyun’s still form in Jooheon’s arms, he jumped into action. He pulled the boy into his own arms easily, the body even lighter than the last time he carried the maknae.

“What happened?” Minhyuk was the first to follow. When he saw Changkyun, he started crying silently. Kihyun pulled him away so Hyunwoo could come through with the youngest, whose head was lolling from side to side.

“He was having a panic attack and passed out.” Jooheon felt as though his words were coming from somewhere else.  
Hyunwoo placed the boy on the couch, the living room being the best place to keep an eye on him. Everyone waited for their leader in the kitchen.

“I heard what he was saying,” Hyunwoo said when he saw them looking to him. Jooheon felt a flare of rage towards the elder for listening in on such a private conversation but he knew it was for the best. “This is way worse than any of us thought…”

“What are we going to do?” Hyungwon asked, his eyes unfocused.

“We just have to prove to him that we’re telling the truth.” Hyunwoo said, as if it was going to be an easy task.

“I’ll watch over Changkyunnie,” Jooheon said quietly. “I’ll come get someone if he wakes up.”

Before anyone could react, the second youngest was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My little sister is graduating high school tonight and I might be fired from my job! Which honestly isn't much of a loss.
> 
> I'll try to get the next chapter posted before the end of the weekend, if possible. Anyone who's kept up with my other fics know I like to update quickly haha


	3. Chapter 3

Changkyun could cut the tension in the living room with a knife. He sat on the couch, curled into Jooheon’s side, the elder’s arm wrapped firmly around his waist. The other five were sitting around the room, none of them knowing what to say. He tried to recall how he ended up in this situation, but the last thing he could remember was his vision going black as he gasped for breath.

“Changkyunnie,” Hyunwoo’s voice made everyone jump. The youngest looked at him like a scared animal. “No matter what you say, we’re not going to be upset with you.”

“Yeah! We just want you to be okay.” Minhyuk chimed in quickly.

“You’re our family now, and family has to stick together.” Kihyun added, choking back the burning sensation in the back of his throat.

“If you want, I can tell them what you told me,” Jooheon offered quietly. “So you don’t have to go through that again.”

“Don’t tell them about…” Changkyun felt his stomach heave again. “My leg… I’m not ready for anyone to know that yet.”

“Alright, I can do that,” Jooheon placed a soft kiss to the younger’s forehead before letting the boy burrow deeper into his side. He turned to the others and saw a single raised eyebrow from Minhyuk. He shook his head and the elder just nodded once, the unspoken promise of a separate conversation made. “So it seems Changkyunnie has really bad anxiety that’s been telling him awful things about himself. The reason he’s been pushing us away is because the anxiety has been telling him we hate him and that he’s a failure.”

“Changkyun, you know none of that is true, right?” Hyunwoo asked, shock evident in his words. When Changkyun just hid his face more, the eldest felt his heart break.

“Well, we’re just going to have to prove to you that we’re right.” Minhyuk said simply, standing and taking Changkyun’s hands. He pulled the maknae to his feet despite the boy trying to stay in the comfort of Jooheon’s arms.

“Where are we going?” Changkyun asked, almost afraid of what his hyung was planning. He was dragged into their room and Minhyuk closed the door behind them. He spun Changkyun around to face the full length mirror on the back of the door. Changkyun felt sick looking at his reflection, but Minhyuk was smiling behind him.

“What do you see?” Minhyuk asked softly, making eye contact with Changkyun in the mirror.

“It’s just me,” The youngest said hesitantly. “A worthless, lazy piece of-” A tight grip on his waist cut off his words.

“I see someone who works harder than anyone,” Minhyuk corrected the youngest, his smile warm enough to melt some of the fear in Changkyun’s chest. “I see someone who’s too hard on himself. Someone who’s amazing at writing lyrics and dancing and who is so easy to be comfortable with. Changkyun, you are so many things, but none of them are the things you call yourself. I have a little game I want to play, okay?” He spun Changkyun around to face him, holding both of the younger boy’s hands in his own. He ignored the skeptical look on the maknae’s face. “Every night before you go to bed, you’re going to tell me one thing you like about yourself. It could be something physical, or something about your personality, or something you did that day that you were proud of. Just one thing, every day. Do you think you can do that?”

“I don’t think there are that many good things about me hyung.” Changkyun said hesitantly. He tried looking at the floor but Minhyuk moved so the younger could only look him in the eyes.

“There are enough good things about you to write a book,” Minhyuk said seriously, the lack of his usual joking tone told Changkyun there was no room for argument. “Starting right now. I want one thing you like about yourself.”

Changkyun turned to look back at the mirror. His eyes raked his reflection, from the roundness and scars of his cheeks to his too small eyes to his thin arms and soft stomach. He wanted to cry, but he knew Minhyuk was waiting for him. He cleared his throat and tried to think of something.

“Um…” He didn’t expect it to be so hard, but he was genuinely at a loss. Minhyuk must have realized the maknae was struggling because he spoke up.

“Here, I’ll start,” He said, resting his chin on Changkyun’s shoulder so they were both looking in the mirror at their reflections. “I love when you smile and your dimples show.”

“Really?” He was surprised. He didn’t think he was anything special to look at. Minhyuk raised his eyebrows.

“Yes really. The first time I saw them I wanted to kiss your cheeks,” He said without hesitation. Changkyun felt his ears burn at the sudden confession. “It made me really sad when you started pushing us away because I couldn’t see your smile anymore.”

“That’s… thank you hyung,” Changkyun didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to getting compliments. “Um… I like… I like the dynamic I have with Jooheon hyung. I think we work really well together.”

“See! I knew you could think of something,” Minhyuk grinned wide and Changkyun felt something bloom in his chest. It was… pride? He was proud that he made his hyung happy. He didn’t want to disappoint Minhyuk. “You have a whole twenty four hours to think of something else, okay? Don’t think I’ll forget.”

“Thank you hyung.” Changkyun said softly.

“Anything for my favorite rapper,” he grinned again and ruffled his hair. “Just don’t tell Jooheonie I said that. I say he’s my favorite when I want a favor.”

“Your secret is safe with me.” Changkyun felt himself grinning back.

“God, we’re so lucky to have such a good maknae,” Minhyuk said loudly and Changkyun couldn’t help but roll his eyes a little as he smirked. “Some bands out there have these demon children, but not our Changkyunnie. He’s so well behaved and pretty.” He tugged Changkyun back to the living room as he spoke.

“He’s not a dog,” Hyungwon said with a hint of amusement in his voice. “If anything, he’s like a cat. He’s too quiet to be a dog. That’s you and Jooheon.”

“Excuse you,” Jooheon looked offended. “If anything, I’m some kind of bee. Fast and can sting!”

“He’s a bee cuz he’s sweet like honey.” Minhyuk poked the second youngest’s cheek with a grin.

“I’m not sweet! I’m vicious!” Jooheon whined and ended up pouting with his arms crossed. Changkyun thought his hyung looked adorable and found himself laughing out loud at how silly he and Minhyuk were being. Everyone stopped and looked at him, making him self-conscious.

“No, don’t stop,” Jooheon came over and slung his arm around Changkyun’s shoulder. “It’s been a while since we heard you laugh. You should do it more often.”

“Ah, I guess…” he felt awkward all of a sudden. He didn’t know how to feel about the sudden attention on him.

“Hey, let’s go to bed,” Jooheon offered his hand to Changkyun, who took it easily. “My pride has been gravely injured by our hyung’s hurtful words and I need someone to cuddle so I’m stealing Changkyunnie for the night. Don’t try to stop me or I’ll fight you.”

No one said anything as Jooheon pulled Changkyun from the living room back to their own room. Jooheon was lucky enough to win rock paper scissors to get the single bed, which meant his bed was best for sleepovers – in his opinion at least.

“Hey Changkyunnie?” Jooheon said quietly, after the lights had been turned off and the younger was curled safely against his chest.

“Yeah hyung?” Changkyun’s voice showed his exhaustion clearly.

“Thanks,” He said, his chest growing warm. “For trusting me with everything and letting the others in. I know it means a lot to them, and it means the world to be to know you aren’t mad at me… I was really scared I had done something you know? I just want you to come to me whenever you need. You’re my best friend.”

“I thought Gunhee was your best friend?” Changkyun wanted to take back the words the second they left his mouth but it was too late.

“I can’t have more than one?” Jooheon chuckled a little, the action causing Changkyun to rumble along with him. “But seriously, I love Gunhee to the moon and back but it’s different with you. With you, it feels like I found a missing part of myself.”

“That’s cheesy hyung.” Changkyun said with a little laugh. He buried his face in Jooheon’s chest despite the darkness covering his grin.

“Ya, that’s all you have to say?” Jooheon laughed and tickled Changkyun’s side. The younger rapper tried to move away but found he was trapped. He laughed loudly and tried to fight back, trapping Jooheon’s arms above his head, the maknae basically straddling the elder in an attempt to stop the attack on his sides. Jooheon just laughed again and gently worked his hands free of his friend’s grip. “Ah, you’re so cute Changkyunnie. Come here, I’m tired as hell.”

He pulled Changkyun down onto his chest. Changkyun’s one leg was still slung over his own, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Changkyun found himself slipping into unconsciousness faster and faster, the warmth radiating from the boy beneath him the only thing on his mind before he fell into a deep, comfortable sleep.

* * *

  
“Changkyun, what are you thinking about?” Hyungwon’s voice broke through the maknae’s subconscious.

“Nothing hyung,” He said quickly but forced himself to backtrack when he saw the look on the taller boy’s face. “Just… I don’t know. I guess I still kinda feel like I don’t belong. I can’t sing like Hoseok hyung or Minhyuk hyung or Kihyun hyung. I can’t dance like you or Hyunwoo hyung. I can’t rap like Jooheon hyung… I feel like an extra part.”

“I understand, but you have to realize that isn’t true. No one write lyrics like you, or keep Kihyun hyung calm when someone leaves a mess like you do. You’re the best member to cuddle with because you’re soft and warm and you play with our hair until we fall asleep. Half the time I forget that you’re younger than me.” Hyungwon listed, not even hesitating the slightest when Changkyun’s face flushed red.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m being annoying…” Changkyun wanted to go back in time and never tell Jooheon anything. Now, the others were constantly watching him, looking for the telltale signs that he was being bombarded by his mind – staring into space, eyebrows furrowed, tears brimming his eyes. The others were shocked at how often it actually happened, finally noticing the little ticks only after they were told to look out for them.

“Kyunnie, stop that,” Hyungwon cut off the youngest’s rant. “You’re doing it again.”

“I’m sorry…” He was told that any time he went on a self-deprecating rant, he was going to be cut off. The hope was that Changkyun would realize what he was saying and learn to stop himself, but he was having more trouble than ever before. Constantly being called out – not matter how good the intentions – were making his bad thoughts double.

“You don’t have to apologize. Are we going to have to add ‘sorry’ to the banned words list?” Hyungwon asked, nodding towards the piece of paper stuck onto the fridge with a magnet they bought at the convenience store. Already the words ‘worthless’, ‘pathetic’, and ‘useless’ were written in different handwriting depending in the member that deemed the word banned.

“No…” Changkyun hated this feeling. He knew his members were just trying to help, but he felt like a child. He was constantly being monitored and even though he knew they didn’t mean to, they talked down to him like he was unable to understand them.

“Good, now I want to catch up on my show. Watch it with me?”

“Alright hyung,” Changkyun said with a little more life in his voice. Hyungwon got him hooked on some old drama from before either of them were born and the cheesy dialogue and crappy graphics gave him an escape. “I’ll grab some snacks.”

“You didn’t hear this from me, but I heard Minhyuk hyung say something about hiding chips under the sink.” Hyungwon winked and Changkyun felt himself smirk. True to his word, there were two bags of chips hidden behind the pipes of the sink.

Feeling cheeky, Changkyun wrote an IOU and placed it next to the lone bag as he took the other out into the living room. He knew Minhyuk would throw a fit, and he grinned at the thought of the elder boy pouting and stomping around the dorm again.

He sat down next to Hyungwon, who had already curled his legs up onto the couch and had a spot next to him ready. When the maknae sat down, the vocalist wrapped the throw blanket around them both and hit play.

“Thank you Changkyun,” He said softly as the opening song played. “For trusting us. It really means a lot. I know you’re going through shit right now and I’m… glad we can be your support.”

“Thank you for not hating me,” Changkyun blinked back tears. No matter how many times his hyungs said something like that to him, he still got emotional. “I know it’s easy to, but thank you for not…”

“You’re not easy to hate. Don’t think that way about yourself. The only thing that’s easy to feel around you is love.”

“Ya, that’s cheesy.” Changkyun pouted slightly. He felt rather than heard Hyungwon chuckle.

“Hush and watch the show. We’re going to see if her father is actually her father in this episode.”

* * *

_“They shouldn’t have trusted you.”_

Changkyun sobbed harder, not bothering to smother the sounds. His hyungs had gone out for the evening, leaving him to rest. He hadn’t meant to get sick, but he somehow managed to catch what the manager said was most likely the 24 hour head cold that had been going around the agency.

_“They were stupid to have trusted you like this. Jooheon knew about your pathetic habits and still left you alone. He never even talked to you about them after you broke down like the little bitch you are.”_

“Stop…” Changkyun sobbed. He pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his face in his knees, not caring that his shirt was getting stained.

_“Do them a favor Changkyun. They don’t deserve to have such a burden in their lives. All you ever do is bother them and made things more difficult.”_

“That’s not true.” He whispered shakily. He tried to remember the good things his hyungs do for him. He remembered how Kihyun made his favorite foods whenever he was down. He remembered how Hyunwoo would carry him whenever he was tired. He remembered how Hyungwon would come up with some crazy excuse to leave the dorm just so Changkyun could have a distraction. He remembered how Minhyuk and Hoseok would take turns cuddling with him so he never felt alone. He remembered how Jooheon would take his hand and smile at him like he was the sun and how it would make his whole chest warm. How Jooheon would smile and all of a sudden all the pain in his body seemed to melt away and how when the other rapper took his hand, Changkyun felt as though maybe the world wasn’t so cruel anymore-

_“What are you, some kind of fag? Pining after your best friend. You’re disgusting! Jooheon would be horrified to know you think about him like this. He would tell you to kill yourself of he ever found out you were some kind of sick bastard.”_

“I’m not gay,” Changkyun sobbed. “I don’t- I don’t like him like that.”

“You’re disgusting Changkyun. You deserve to die painfully. They’re all going to hate you if they find out.”

Changkyun broke. He took the razor, the blade turning brown from the blood and attacked his leg again. He didn’t notice how he was going deeper and deeper. All he knew was the pain made the voice stop – his mind would scream in agony and it would drown out the harsh words that caused him to hurt himself in the first place.

He dragged the razor across what little clear skin he had on his leg, relishing in how the pain turned to something else. His mind was swimming and he couldn’t help but let his head fall back. The pain was fading, being replaced with the sweet high that only came after he went too far. He felt a mad chuckle bubble up and slip past his chapped lips.

The door opened.

“Oh god, Changkyun.” Gunhee fell to his knees next to the younger boy. He had been meaning to swing by the dorms for weeks, but the guys were always so busy. When he heard they had the evening off, he was planning on surprising them. When he opened the door, he was the one surprised to see the dorm was empty. Wandering to the kitchen, he saw a note on the table to Changkyun, saying the others had gone out and that he should take medicine for his head cold.

A piece of paper on the fridge caught his eye. ‘Changkyunnie’s banned word list’ the top of the paper read, with a list below. The list was written in different colored pens, in different handwriting. Gunhee recognized Jooheon’s handwriting for a lot of the list. His heart sank when he realized what the list was.

He heard a sob come from the bathroom and time seemed to slow as he rushed to the closed door. The sobbing got louder as he fought through the thick air. His hand landed heavily on the doorknob and with a thudding heart he turned it. He half expected the door to be locked, but the knob turned without any resistance. He pushed it opened and finally knew what it meant to have his heart stop.

Changkyun sat on the floor, sobbing and covered in blood. It looked like a scene from a horror movie, splatters of crimson covering the porcelain of the toilet and the pale skin of his cheek. His shirt was completely ruined, blood soaked through the fabric until it was sticking to his too-thin chest. Gunhee watched in horror as Changkyun brought the blade back to his leg and made another swipe, the silver slicing through his skin with such ease that the elder rapper thought he was going to be sick. He fell to his knees and crawled towards the boy.

“Gunhee hyung…” Changkyun’s voice was faint and it made the older boy’s fear spike.

“Oh fuck, what have you done Changkyun?” He whispered, feeling utterly helpless.

“It’s fine,” Changkyun dropped the blade when Gunhee’s fingers pried it away. “I deserve this. I’m disgusting. I should finish what I started, then everyone would be happy.”  
“That’s- that’s not true,” Just yesterday Jooheon had texted him about something Changkyun did that made Jooheon smile. “They love you Changkyun. You can’t leave them like this.”

“It hurts hyung.” He whimpered pathetically. Gunhee grabbed a towel that was draped on the rack, not caring that he was about to ruin it.

“I know baby, but hyung’s gonna make it better okay?” Gunhee had never been more afraid in his life. Not when he heard his father had died. Not when his mother called him, saying their apartment had been broken into. Not when he realized he was going to have to leave his friends behind. Nothing compared to the icy fear that was breaking his chest in two.

Changkyun just whimpered again as the towel swiped over a particularly deep cut. Gunhee wasn’t a medical expert, but he could see most of the cuts were already starting to congeal, which was a good sign. He had been a reckless child and knew a little bit about first aid, and he knew he should start panicking if the cuts didn’t stop bleeding.

He dug through the medicine cabinet with shaking fingers, gasping when he saw what he was looking for. He carefully smeared the cream on the boy’s thigh, whispering apologies when Changkyun would jerk in pain. He quickly grabbed the medical tape and made a makeshift bandage out of toilet paper before taping it down securely on his thigh. Gunhee wished he had some gauze but he made do with what he had. He tried to wipe as much of the browning blood from his face and removed his shirt knowing it was going right into the trash. He carefully wiped his chest, flinching when he was able to eel every one of Changkyun’s ribs beneath his fingers.

“Changkyunnie, can you hear me?” He asked carefully. Changkyun’s eyes looked dazed, but the youngest was able to look at the other rapper and nod, which was a good sign.

“Okay good, I’m going to carry you to your room, okay? I need you to stay awake. Can you do that?”

“I’m sorry hyung,” Changkyun said, his voice weak. “I’m sorry you had to find me…”

“No, I’m glad I did. If I hadn’t come how long would you have…?” Gunhee cut himself off, not wanting to even think about the possibility of Changkyun bleeding out, alone on the bathroom floor. He placed Changkyun on Jooheon’s bed, smiling faintly when he saw his friend still slept with the blanket he had stolen from the eliminated rapper. He shot a quick text to Jooheon, telling him to come alone – he knew if all six returned at once, it would be bad for Changkyun.

“I’m sorry.” Changkyun kept whispering, over and over again. Gunhee sat next to the boy, running his fingers through his hair. He saw a few spots of red he had missed when he tried to clean the boy’s face and felt his stomach roll.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked, hoping to maybe get the boy to explain why he did that to himself.

“For being disgusting,” Changkyun whimpered like a kicked dog. “I’m sorry for not being brave enough to end it.”

“You’re not disgusting and I think you’re even braver for not giving in.” Gunhee could feel Changkyun start to shake from his tears. He kept running his fingers through the boy’s hair in an attempt to calm him.

“He’s going to hate me.” He whispered so quietly Gunhee almost missed it.

“Who’s going to hate you?”

“Jooheon hyung.”

“Why would Jooheon ever hate you? He loves you Changkyunnie.” Gunhee looked up when the door opened. Jooheon stood there, face pale and tears running down his cheeks. Gunhee knew his friend saw the state of the bathroom, based on the fear in his eyes. He motioned for Jooheon to stay there.

“I think I like him…”

Jooheon and Gunhee made eye contact, matching looks of shock on their face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said two or three more chapters? Well I should know better by now cuz every time I say that I always end up changing it a hundred times so I'm just going to say thing fic is going to have ??? chapters and leave it at that.
> 
> I love Gunhee with my entire heart so I'm going to bring him into my fics whenever possible. I didn't plan on making this romantic, but I'm basing a lot of what the voice says to Changkyun on what my own anxiety tells me and my anxiety says a lot of homophobic shit about me being bi so whoops Changkyunnie gets to suffer even more.
> 
> I have zero clue when the next chapter is coming but it'll be within the next few days. Probably.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the support! I really didn't think this was going to get more than like, 100 hits at most so thank you all so much!


	4. Chapter 4

Jooheon smiled at his phone. Gunhee hadn’t texted him in a while, and seeing his friend’s contact pop up while he was at dinner brightened his day a little. He opened the text, expecting something silly, but what he saw stopped his heart.

_“Get to the dorms now. Changkyun is hurt. Don’t bring the others. They’ll freak out and make things worse.”_

Jooheon thought his heart had stopped. He quickly made an excuse about not feeling well – he probably caught Changkyun’s head cold – and rushed out of the restaurant, not bothering to finish his meal. He somehow managed to convince the manager to let him go alone, something he never would have been able to do if he wasn’t so focused on getting to Changkyun. The entire cab ride back to the dorms, questions after question bombarded Jooheon.

Why was Changkyun hurt?

Why was Gunhee at the dorms?

Did Changkyun hurt himself?

Should he have talked to the younger boy about his leg sooner?

What if he was too late?

The last through made tears start running down his cheeks. The other members used to tease him for how emotional he got, despite his rapper image on stage, but he couldn’t help it. He was creating out of proportion scenarios in his mind as he got closer and closer – Changkyun, bleeding out and dying in his arms… feeling Changkyun go limp as he held the boy.

When the cab pulled up in front of the dorm building, he threw the man some cash – way more than he needed, but he didn’t want to waste the time counting – and sprinted up. The front door was unlocked and the dorm was eerily silent. Everything was exactly the same as before they left, down to the note on the table that hadn’t been touched, but something seemed off.

He heard faint noises coming from his room. Like in a horror movie, Jooheon began creeping slowly down the hall towards the bedroom. He passed the bathroom and almost kept walking but the strong feeling of something being WRONG hit him and he stopped. He hesitantly turned, afraid of what he was going to find.  
Opening the door was his worst nightmare. There was blood covering the floor, the edges of the puddles already turning brown. The toilet had the browning crimson splattered up the sides. There was a silver blade within the red, and Jooheon knew one thing and one thing only.

Changkyun was hurt and it was because he wasn’t there for him.

He hurried to his room and listened carefully. He heard a familiar sob that gave him more comfort than it should – hearing Changkyun cry was always upsetting but it mean the boy was alive, and that was all Jooheon could ask for at that point. He slowly cracked the door open and saw Gunhee cradling Changkyun in his arms on Jooheon’s bed. The other rapper made eye contact and motioned for him to stay silent as the youngest continued to sob.

“Why would Jooheon ever hate you?” Gunhee asked calmly. Jooheon always joked that his friend was better suited for teaching or babysitting than rapping because of how good he was with kids, and it was obvious he was doing his best to comfort Changkyun.

Changkyun struggled for a moment, fighting between his sobs and his own mind. Jooheon could almost hear the inner struggle he mad to have been going through, but what the youngest said made Jooheon’s heart stop.

“I think I like him…”

Gunhee and Jooheon locked eyes, mirroring each other’s shocked expression.

“Like him? Like him how?” Gunhee asked back, trying to keep the boy talking. Jooheon was frozen in his spot.

“Like… his smile makes me feel better and… I’m just more comfortable with him than the other members and… I don’t know… I’m not gay though… I’m not…” He broke off into shuttering sobs and Jooheon felt his chest cave in.

He remembered how hard Minhyuk had cried when he was having a crisis over his own sexuality. He was afraid of being different, but he also was afraid of being unhappy all his life because he couldn’t accept a part of him.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay.” Gunhee said softly.

“I’m disgusting,” Changkyun’s sobs had lessened into tearful whispers. “A filthy fag-”

“Don’t you dare say that about yourself,” For the first time, Gunhee raised his voice at the boy. “There is nothing wrong with being gay, and if you keep saying things like that, you’re going to believe them. There’s nothing wrong with accepting yourself and finding someone who makes you happy. Besides, gender is just a social construct. If we lived in a different society that didn’t put so much weight on male or female, then being gay wouldn’t be up for debate. You’re perfect just the way you are Changkyun, and I know Jooheon loves you so much.”

“I don’t want him to hate me or- or push me away.”

“He could never. I know that idiot like the back of my hand, and I can promise you there’s no way he would hate you, or push you away, or think any differently about you if you liked boys.”

“Hyung what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you kid, you were thrown into a world that doesn’t care all that often and left to fend for yourself. That’s not your fault. But you’re not alone anymore. You have your hyungs, and I know I’m not around all that often but you have me too.”

“Thank you hyung… I’m sorry I’m so broken.” Changkyun sounded just that – broken. Gunhee felt his heart shatter. It really sounded like Changkyun had given up, and that scared the elder rapper. He finally looked over to Jooheon and motioned for him to come in.

“Changkyunnie.” He said as he rushed to Changkyun’s side. The maknae’s head whipped up so fast he could have hurt his neck and stared at Jooheon with wide, red eyes.

“Jooheon hyung… why are you here?” He asked, trying to sound calm.

“Gunhee texted me,” He said softly, not wanting to upset the boy any farther. “He said you were hurt so I came home. The others don’t know yet.”

“I’m sorry,” Tears filled Changkyun’s eyes once again and Jooheon started to panic. “I ruined your dinner, didn’t I?”

“No, no, no you didn’t ruin anything,” He said quickly, sitting on the other side of the boy. “Minhyuk hyung was being loud and Kihyun hyung was about to stab him with a spoon, so I think I managed to escape at a pretty good time.” The image of Kihyun stabbing Minhyuk with a spoon for being loud make Changkyun’s lips turn up at the corners.

“Changkyunnie, you have to talk to someone soon. We’re here for you.” Gunhee said encouragingly.

“I’m sorry hyung,” Changkyun said, the small smile falling. “I relapsed… really badly…”

“I saw the bathroom on the way here,” Jooheon said sadly and noticed how Changkyun seemed to flinch away. “Don’t worry, hyungs will clean it up before the others get back… hey, did something happen?”

“I just… when I get sick, the voice gets louder. I guess I can’t focus enough on the distractions to ignore it as well… it started yelling at me again and I just- I just kept going. I didn’t mean to go this far I swear, I just… forgot how good it felt,” Changkyun shuddered and Jooheon felt sick. Hearing his friend talk about hurting himself as feeling good caused goosebumps to cover his arms. “I forgot how much better I felt after… I had tried to stay clean after you found out about everything. It was easier because the others were always distracting me from my thoughts but since everyone went out…”

“This was the first time you’ve been completely alone since you told us.” Realization bloomed on Jooheon’s face and he hated himself for not realizing it. Sure, there were times when they weren’t hovering over the maknae, but even then there was someone in the dorms – Kihyun in the kitchen or Wonho in his room – while Changkyun was home. Even at the studio, there was always someone there in the building he could go find if he started feeling bad. They left him alone.

“I tried to fight it, I really did,” He sounded so small. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be disappointed in me…”

“Oh god Changkyun never,” Jooheon pulled the younger boy into his arms and held him tight, wishing he could stop the boy from trembling so much. “Even if you killed someone, I’d be there to help you hide the body. There’s nothing you could do that could disappoint me.”

“You make that sound like a challenge.” Changkyun sniffled and it took a second to realize the youngest had just made a joke. The two older rappers chuckled, their laughter fading as they watched Changkyun nuzzle his face into Jooheon’s chest. Neither missed how the boy’s shoulders seemed to instantly relax.

“Chankgyunnie, Gunhee and I are going to go clean the bathroom, alright?” Jooheon said softly. Changkyun tensed a little before nodding. “We’ll be right back, then we can take a nap. Sound good? Maybe the three of us can go out for a late dinner after.”

“Thank you hyung.” Changkyun said softly before crawling out of Jooheon’s lap and curling into a ball on the older rapper’s bed. Jooheon and Gunhee made their way from the bedroom in silence, a sea of words threatening to spill out.

In silence, Jooheon dug out the bleach and the bucket that Kihyun kept in the hallway closet, along with two rags and two pair of rubber gloved that the elder vocalist had for cleaning. He handed one of the rags and a set of gloves to Gunhee, who was still pale. Jooheon filled the bucket halfway with hot water and poured a decent amount of bleach into the bucket before dropping to his knees. His hands were shaking as he dipped the rag into the bucket.

“I’m scared.” Gunhee broke the silence, moments after copying Jooheon.

“Me too.”

“I can’t help thinking… what if I didn’t come by today? What if I hadn’t snooped when I realized you weren’t home? Changkyun would be-”

“He’d be fine,” Jooheon cut his friend off, not wanting to think about what would happened. “He’s… he’s a strong kid. He wouldn’t have… he wouldn’t have killed himself? Right?”

“I don’t know…” Gunhee looked up from the floor and saw quiet tears running down Jooheon’s round cheeks, a pained grimace marring his face as he scrubbed hard at a spot on the floor. The crimson had stained between the tiles, the usual white now a dark brown.

“What should I do about what he said?” Jooheon asked, almost as if he was afraid of being overheard. When Gunhee looked at him blankly, he clarified. “About liking me…?”

“I don’t know. That’s between the two of you really.”

“It didn’t sound like he wanted anyone to know,” Jooheon commented as he wrung out his rag. The warm bleach water was already turning red. “If he wants to talk… of course I’ll listen. I don’t like him back like that…”

“But?” Gunhee could hear the hesitation in his friend’s voice.

“But like, the thought of dating him doesn’t sound awful,” Jooheon sounded unsure, which worried Gunhee. His friend was known for being bull headed, so hearing him so quiet and his words wavering seemed… wrong. Jooheon continued, not realizing his friend was analyzing his voice so carefully. “I love spending time with him, and we already do a lot of stuff that could be counted as dates… if he wanted to that is… I don’t know… I’m just really confused.”

“Maybe wait for him to say something? If you go to him first about this, then you’ll have to explain that you eavesdropped and he would freak out.”

“Fair,” Jooheon sighed as he dropped the rag into the bucket. His part of the bathroom was as clean as he was going to be able to get it. Gunhee finished rubbing the last drops of dried blood from the toilet before following suit, stripping off his gloves and throwing them into the sink. “Here, go check on him. I can finish this up.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll be in in a minute.” He started to grab the bucket, back to Gunhee as the other by left the bathroom. Jooheon sighed again and pulled his gloves on tighter. He took the bucket and carefully dumped the dirty water down the drain of the shower, watching as the crimson water swirled against the slightly dingy tiles. The two rags flopped out of the bucket and landed wetly on the floor. With a grimace, he picked them up and wrung them out as best as he could, putting them back in the bucket. They were trash – he knew no amount of washing was going to remove the red tint to the fabric. Kihyun was going to complain when he realized two of his cleaning rags were gone.

He peeled off his own gloves and replaced the two pair in the closet. Moving quickly, he grabbed the two rags and threw them in the kitchen trash , burying them under that morning’s garbage, before putting the bucket back and rushing to his room. There, he found Gunhee and Changkyun curled around each other, both boys already asleep. With a faint smile, Jooheon crawled into the bed next to Changkyun, effectively trapping the maknae between the two rappers.

“Goodnight Changkyunnie,” He said softly, so as not to wake the boy. He placed a gentle kiss to the boy’s forehead before leaning back and closing his eyes. “I love you.”

* * *

  
“Jooheon, can I talk to you for a second?” Hyunwoo called the second youngest over a few days later.

True to his word, Jooheon had taken Gunhee and Changkyun out after they woke up from their nap. No one mentioned what had happened, though Jooheon was bursting to question the maknae about everything. When they got back, Gunhee said his goodbyes and made Jooheon promise to keep him updated. The incident wasn’t mentioned, and it was almost as though it never happened. No one questioned Changkyun’s long sleeves. It was winter, after all.

No one mentioned anything, so when Hyunwoo pulled him aside, Jooheon initially assumed it was about the missing bag of chips under the sink. Though Minhyuk thought he was slick, everyone knew about his stash.

“What’s up hyung?” He asked back, not overly worried. This time it really wasn’t him, though he had been known to be the guilty party in the past.

“Why… why were there bloody rags in the trash?” Hyunwoo asked carefully, his eyebrows meeting in the middle.

“W-what?” Jooheon’s breath caught in his throat.

“I went to take the trash out just now and I saw two bloody rags in the bottom. I asked the others and they said they had no idea what they were.”

“I-”

“Jooheon, be honest with me.”

“Fuck,” He would have to apologize to Changkyun later for betraying his trust. “Um, Changkyun had a bit of an accident a few days ago.” He said, avoiding looking his leader in the eyes.

“When we were at dinner?”

“Yeah, I made up an excuse cuz I didn’t want you guys to worry.”

“Was he hurt?”

“You could say that.”

“Jooheon,” The worry in Hyunwoo’s voice broke Jooheon’s heart. “What happened?”

“Changkyun… he hurts himself hyung,” He sounded broken. “Gunhee had come to surprise us, and instead he found Changkyunnie bleeding out in the bathroom. We patched him up and cleaned as much as we could… as we’ve been keeping an eye on him whenever we can.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Changkyun begged us not to tell anyone.”

“But this is important. I understand that he would be upset but his safety comes before his feelings.” Hyunwoo wasn’t mad. He was just worried. Worried for Changkyun, who was obviously hurting enough inside to take it out on himself, but also for Jooheon, who always puts on a strong mask and tried to bear the burdens of everyone despite being the second youngest.

“I’m sorry hyung, I just… I panicked.” Jooheon told the truth. He had panicked. He knew he should have told Hyunwoo, but he was scared. He didn’t want to be the one to push Changkyun to hurting himself like that again.

“I understand but-”

“I’ve been taking care of him,” He cut Hyunwoo off by accident. He looked up to the leader, who motioned for him to continue. “I check his cuts every morning before we go anywhere and every night before bed to clean them and make sure there aren’t any new ones…”

“You’ve taken such good care of him Jooheon,” Hyunwoo grabbed the younger boy and brought him into his chest. Though he was a little awkward with affection, Hyunwoo knew when his boys needed reassurance. Jooheon buried his face in his leader’s chest and let the tears he had been holding in the last few days run. “You’ve done such an amazing job, but you don’t have to do this alone. You – and Changkyun. You both have the rest of the members to support you.”

“Thank you hyung.” Jooheon sniffled, pulling back finally. Hyunwoo let his arms drop to his side as the second youngest wiped his cheeks with his sleeves.

“Where is Changkyun now?”

“Last I checked, he was playing some online game with Gunhee,” Jooheon said after taking a breath to calm his mind. “I was going to grab him a water bottle when you called me over.”

“Okay, good. Make sure he eats too. He’s getting too skinny.” Hyunwoo nodded and clapped Jooheon on the shoulder.

“Yes hyung.” Jooheon smiled faintly before grabbing two water bottles from the fridge and rushing back to Changkyun.

He heard the maknae before he even opened the door. Changkyun was sitting on Jooheon’s bed – the only place the elder rapper let him sleep anymore – with his laptop on his lap and a small mouse, using his uninjured thigh as a mouse pad.

“That’s a dirty move and you know it!” He cried through his headset. Jooheon could hear Gunhee howling through the headphones and couldn’t help but grin.

“Glad to see my boys getting along.” He teased, placing one of the bottles against Changkyun’s exposed neck.

“Fuck!” He cried out in English, not expecting the sudden iciness.

“Ya, watch your language!” Gunhee scolded and Jooheon laughed again.

“Break time you two.” he said, actually handing the maknae his water bottle again.

“We can’t break now! We’re in the middle of a match.” Changkyun didn’t take his eyes off the screen. Jooheon huffed and threw himself on the bed, waiting for his friends to stop ignoring him. Less than five minutes later, Changkyun groaned in defeat.

“Same time tomorrow?” Gunhee asked with a smile in his voice.

“As long as our schedules don’t change, yeah. Talk to you later hyung,” Changkyun grinned and ended the game before turning to Jooheon. “Hey, stop pouting you big baby.”

“I’m not pouting. This is me dying. From my best friend not paying attention to me.” Jooheon lamented, rolling back and forth on the bed causing Changkyun to laugh.

“You’re so dramatic.” He shook his head with a smile.

“Yeah, but you love me.” Jooheon grinned, his dimples flashing dangerously. Had he not overheard the younger boy’s confession, Jooheon might have missed how the boy’s ears turned red and how he turned away a fraction.

“Eh, you’re okay I guess.” He teased lightly, not able to meet the other rapper’s eyes.

“Okay? I’m the best! Number one, remember?”

“Meh, I guess.”

“You brat,” Jooheon gently smacked his friend on the back of the head before letting his smile drop. “I’m gonna check your leg again, alright?”

“They’re healing fine hyung, you don’t have to keep bothering with this.” Changkyun suddenly sounded unsecure.

“I’m always going to worry about you, brat. Let hyung take care of you.”

Changkyun sighed and stripped off his sweatpants. It had been about three or four days since the cuts had been made, so they were already starting to heal up. None of them were open or bleeding anymore, but they were still angry and raised against his tan skin. Jooheon gently wiped the area with peroxide, causing the boy to hiss. He breathed an apology, as he had each time he accidently hurt Changkyun while cleaning his wounds. He smeared the medical cream on the cleaned cuts, so they would heal faster and leave less of a scar. The final step was replaced the bandages, which he went out and bought on his own so he didn’t have to mess with medical tape like Gunhee had. Changkyun had mentioned the night before that he really didn’t need a bandage anymore, but Jooheon insisted on putting the cream on every night.

“Thank you hyung.” Changkyun said quietly after he had pulled his pants back into place.

“Don’t thank me, seriously,” He pulled Changkyun against his chest and let the younger relax into his warmth. “I’d do anything for you.”

“Hyung?” Changkyun sounded worried, which in turn worried Jooheon.

“What’s up?”

“I got asked on a date today.” He said softly, almost as if he was afraid of being scolded. Jooheon didn’t know why he felt a flare of pain in his chest.

“Ah, isn’t that exciting?”

“I don’t know if I’m going to go.”

“Why not?”

“I just…” Changkyun shrugged. “I don’t know…”

“Who was it?”

“One of the trainees at work. He came up to me on our break and asked if I wanted to get coffee with him or something this week… I said I would get back to him on my schedule but I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about dating guys all that much before, but I have been thinking about it recently and… I don’t know… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to give it a chance?”

Jooheon recognized the pain in his chest.

It was jealousy.

“You should go for it,” He found himself saying. “What’s the worst that could happen? You don’t go on a second date? Besides, the best way to learn about yourself is to explore. Maybe you’ll realize you do like boys, or maybe you’ll realize you don’t. Maybe both. Maybe neither. You’ll never know until you try though.”

“I guess you’re right,” Changkyun snuggled into Jooheon’s arms more. “Thanks hyung. I was really worrying about this, but I feel a little better now.”

“No problem Changkyunnie,” He lied through his teeth. “Let’s get to bed, alright? Practice today wiped me out.”

“Goodnight hyung.” Changkyun said as Jooheon reached over and turned off the lamp by his bed.

“Night Changkyunnie.” He whispered, falling asleep with his best friend in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been meaning to write a fic about abusive relationships, and I decided to just do that here. So my initial plan of two or three chapters is way wrong. I'm thinking closer to eight or ten now, but who knows.
> 
> That being said, should I make the trainee an OC of sorts or make it and AU where an idol is still a trainee and who? I'm leaning towards an OC cuz this boy isn't going to be good to Changkyun and I don't want to write any idols in a bad light, but I'd love some feedback on that idea.
> 
> Also, I realized while 'editing' this, the queen of dialogue is BACK! Will I ever write something that doesn't have so much back and forth talking? Stay tuned to find out (spoiler the answer is never)


	5. Chapter 5

“Changkyun?” Minhyuk said in a question tone as the maknae threw himself on the couch next to him. Changkyun didn’t say anything for a moment before he curled up into his hyung’s side, wiggling until Minhyuk wrapped his arm around him.

“Is everything alright Kyunnie?”

“Yeah,” He sounded tired. “I was just lonely.”

“Well, I’m always here for you.” He smiled down at the younger boy before turning back to whatever show was playing.

“Hyung?” Changkyun caught his attention a few minutes later. Minhyuk hummed, looking at the boy with a small smile. Changkyun swallowed and continued. “What do you do when… everyone say something about you is alright, but you still feel like it’s kinda wrong?”

“Well, if everyone is saying it’s good, and you’re the only one saying it’s wrong, maybe those with an outside look on the situation understand it better. I know a lot of the time we get stuck in our own heads and don’t see the whole picture.”

“I think I might be bi.” Changkyun whispered, his voice cracking with tears. Minhyuk sat up straight, turning to look the maknae in the face.

“Really?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and stuff… I’ve been- this is embarrassing,” Changkyun turned red and hid his face behind his hands. Minhyuk waited patiently for the boy to continue. “I tried watching porn and I realized I watched the guy as much as I watched the girl, and that kind of scares me because I don’t want to be different… I don’t want people to hate me.”

“First of all, thank you for trusting me with this,” Minhyuk cradled Changkyun in his arms tightly. Changkyun didn’t try to fight the embrace, and leaned into it instead. “Secondly, there’s nothing wrong with being different. With that being said, there’s nothing to say being bi would make you different, or make people hate you.”

“Being gay is wrong though?” He didn’t mean for it to come out like a question. Minhyuk closed his eyes for a moment, pushing his own insecurities away for his friend.

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay Changkyun,” he said carefully, trying to mask the fear in his own voice. “Am I wrong?”

“What?” Changkyun wiggled to look at his hyung. He was shocked to see tears in the older boy’s eyes.

“I’m gay. I realized it a long time ago, before I even became a trainee. I kept it locked up though, because I was too afraid. It wasn’t until Jooheon found me crying and made me talk that I realized there’s nothing wrong about accepting yourself and loving who you want to love. Besides, I don’t think you’re the only one who’s bi here. Hoseok was asking questions that were really similar to yours the other day and I wanted to comfort him but… I didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable situation, you know?”

“You’re a lot different when the others aren’t around.” He commented, causing Minhyuk to blink at him before smiling slightly.

“Yeah, well, it’s easier to be all smiley when people are around. When it’s just me I tend to get lost in my thoughts.”

“Thank you hyung.”

“Can I ask… what made you start questioning this?” Minhyuk started running his fingers through Changkyun’s hair – something the elder knew comforted the younger. Changkyun hesitated for a moment, debating if he should say anything about Jooheon.

“I got asked on a date by a trainee named Min. I didn’t know if I was going to accept it but… between what you said and what Jooheon hyung told me last night I think I might.” Changkyun squirmed a little but Minhyuk just gave him a wide grin.

“Kyunnie that’s so exciting!” he all but squealed. He wrapped his arms around the boy and started bouncing on the couch. “Oh my gosh what are you going to wear? What does he look like? Where are you going? Do you want us to stalk the date to make sure it goes well?”

“Hyung!” Changkyun giggled – actually giggled and Minhyuk thought he was going to cry. After seeing the youngest push them away and hide behind his emotionless façade, seeing the boy laughing lit up the room.

“I’m serious Changkyunnie! What if he’s some sort of psycho? You gotta have backup.”

“If you want,” Changkyun shook his head as he smiled wider. “Just don’t get caught! I don’t know what I’m wearing, and we’re just going to get coffee in Friday cuz it’s an off day for us. As for what he looks like, he’s taller than me – closer to Hyungwon hyung’s height probably. He has a longish face and recently dyed his hair burgundy. He has one dimple on his left cheek when he smiles and he thinks I’m really cute.” Changkyun found himself blushing and Minhyuk just squealed louder.

“I’m picking out your outfit. No arguing.” Minhyuk said, and Changkyun agreed easily. Thinking about what to wear was actually making the maknae nervous about the date.

“Thanks again hyung…”

“You’re my Changkyunnie. I’d do anything for you.” Minhyuk placed a soft kiss on the younger boy’s forehead and Changkyun leaned into the gesture.

“Hey! No hogging Changkyun!” Jooheon came barging into the living room, causing Changkyun to jump and almost slam his forehead into Minhyuk’s nose.

“Hyung…” He whined, trying to hide his reddening face. He really needed to learn to get his blushing under control, especially around Jooheon.

“My turn! Hyung, go away. It’s my Changkyunnie time. We’re going to watch this new anime that came out.”

“Can I watch it with you?” Minhyuk asked lightly.

Jooheon narrowed his eyes at him for a moment before nodding slowly. “I suppose. But we get the couch.”

“Fair enough.” Minhyuk grinned like he had a plan and let the two maknaes get settled on the couch before sitting on the floor himself, resting his back against the couch – between Changkyun’s legs. He let his head fall onto the youngest rapper’s thigh, and Changkyun didn’t mind. He didn’t see the look Jooheon shot Minhyuk, which the elder vocalist just responded by sticking his tongue out.

* * *

  
“Changkyun, can we talk for a minute?” Hyunwoo called the youngest into his bedroom. He shared with Kihyun, Hoseok and Hyungwon, so the room was almost never silent. At that moment, however it was just the maknae and the leader.

“What’s up hyung?” Changkyun asked, sipping from his energy drink. He and Jooheon had stayed up all night watching the anime, and forgot to go to bed until the sun was almost up. It was going to be hell for the two of them, and Minhyuk was planning on milking it as much as possible.

“Well…” Hyunwoo awkwardly rubbed the back of his head, unsure of how to start the conversation. “I, um, did some research on the things you said to us a while back. About the anxiety and the voice and the depression and I noticed a common theme…” He didn’t want to mention what he and Jooheon discussed alone, because he knew the youngest would flip if he knew anyone else was aware of what happened that night.

“What kind of theme?” Changkyun didn’t sound so confident anymore.

“A lot of the sites I looked up warned to watch for signs of self-harm or suicidal thoughts… I just wanted you remind you that this is a safe environment, and we all care so much about you. If anything is going on, you can come to us and no one will be upset or disappointed… we just want you to be okay… I know I don’t always give the best advice, but I’m a good listener if you just wanted to rant about something or come to me if you want to… hurt yourself…”

“Hyung...” Changkyun didn’t know what to say. He could see the sincerity in Hyunwoo’s eyes and it caused a strange feeling in his chest.

“I’m serious Changkyun. You can come to any of us about anything. I know… mental health treatment isn’t the best here, but if there’s anything we can do to makes things a little easier for you please let us know. We’d do anything for you.”

“Hyung…” Changkyun couldn’t hold back the tears that were starting to burn his eyes. He sobbed once before throwing himself into Hyunwoo’s chest. The eldest didn’t hesitate to wrap the youngest in a tight embrace. He had hoped Changkyun would accept his offer, but seeing the boy cry broke his heart.

“It’s alright Changkyun, hyung has you. You’re safe now,” He said quietly, his words almost drowned out by the boy’s cries. “You don’t have to say anything now, but know that if you ever need someone to talk to, remember that you have six hyungs who would raise hell for you.”

“I… I don’t think I can say anything right now, but maybe soon.”

“Thank you for trusting us Changkyun,” Hyunwoo placed a kiss to the crown of the boy’s head and waited for Changkyun’s grip around his waist to loosen before pulling away. “We love you so much. Now, I have it on good authority that there’s a sale on chips down at the convenience store. Would you want to come with me and get some?”

“Yeah, that sounds fun.” Changkyun grinned as he wiped his face and Hyunwoo’s gut feeling told him that things were going to be alright.

* * *

  
“Changkyun, you look…” Min couldn’t stop staring at the other boy. Though Changkyun was preparing to debut, the taller boy was a little older. Changkyun blushed and tugged at the sleeve of his shirt. Minhyuk hadn’t lied when he said he would take care of the outfit. He was wearing black ripped skinny jeans with pastel pink button up shirt and a black beanie with a black messenger bad slung across his chest. Minhyuk had even gone as far as to do his makeup, putting a hint of pink eyeshadow to make his eyes pop, a swipe of light blush and lip tint to match his shirt. All in all, Changkyun felt hot, and it seemed his date agreed. “You look breathtaking.”

“Thank you hyung,” Changkyun shyly looked at his feet and smiled. “You look amazing too.” The other boy was wearing blue jeans with a form fitting shirt and leather jacket over top. He combed his hair back so it showed his forehead and Changkyun blushed the second he entered the café.

“Ya, no need to call me hyung. I’m only a few months older than you. Besides, relationships are based off trust and equality, right?”

“Y-yeah…” Changkyun didn’t mean to stutter, but hearing Min say the word ‘relationships’ made his heart skip a beat.

“Let’s go find a seat, shall we? I heard the muffins here are really good.” Min held his arm out with a warm smile and Changkyun’s face passed pink and headed right to red territory. Changkyun took his arm and followed him to a small table in the back. Neither bothered to look towards the door when the overhead bell dinged. Though the café was small, it was busy. It was known as a place for idols, so there was no fear of being caught by fans there.

“Thank you for asking me out.” Changkyun said nervously when they had gotten their drink and sat back down.

“Thank you for accepting my invite,” Min smiled, and Changkyun saw his one dimple. “I was afraid you were going to say no.”

“Ah, it’s not that I didn’t want to,” Changkyun said quickly. “I just… I haven’t been on a date in a long time and…”

“Never with a guy?” Min finished his sentence, not looking upset in the slightly. Changkyun nodded and looked down at his drink, not sure why he felt ashamed. “Hey, that’s alright. It’s scary. I haven’t dated a whole lot either… I just saw you practicing by yourself that one night and I saw the determination in your face… I guess it gave me inspiration to work harder as a trainee. After that I really wanted to get to know you better. You’re a lot different in person than you were on No. Mercy.”

“Oh, you watched that?” Changkyun didn’t know why he was embarrassed. When they all sat down to watch the show together, it was a little awkward to hear some of the things the other members said about him in their solo interviews, but it was in the heat of competition. He understood that and easily moved past that.

“All the trainees at Starship watched it live every week,” Min said easily and Changkyun felt the urge to hide his face. “You were amazing right from the start. I had no doubt you were going to make it, even with coming in half way.”

“R-really?” That was the first time anyone had said that. Changkyun’s heart started beating faster.

“Absolutely. The other rappers were good, but you had this vibe that just… blew us all away.” Min grinned and Changkyun felt himself staring into his eyes.

“No one’s ever said that before,” The boy whispered, finally looking down at his coffee. “They weren’t all that happy with me when I was first introduced.”

“They should have been thanking you,” He said suddenly, causing Changkyun to look up quickly. “You were too good for them then, and I think you’re too good for them now.”

“Ah, that’s an exaggeration,” Changkyun felt embarrassed at the praise. “We all work just as hard for our debut.”

“Do they stay after as long as you? Work on their parts as much as you? I notice how you mutter your raps under your breath when you don’t think anyone is listening. You’re such an inspiration to the other trainees.”

“Ya…” Changkyun didn’t know what to say. He tried to hide his blush behind his drink, but it obviously didn’t do much because Min laughed warmly and offered the younger boy more of the muffin, which he took happily. He was right, the muffins were amazing.

“I wanted to ask if you would come with me to the movies after this, but you’re probably busy…” Min trailed off sadly and Changkyun almost choked on his muffin in an attempt to answer quickly.

“A-actually we have a free day today,” He said, eyes wide. His chest fluttered when Min gave him a wide smile. “I’d love to come to the movies with you…”

“Perfect,” His eyes turned up as his smile widened. “I’m just going to run to the bathroom before we go. There’s a showing of that new superhero movie at three.”

“Sounds good.” Changkyun watched as Min walked towards the small bathroom in the back of the store and waited until he was out of sight to slump in his seat.

“So, the date seems to be going well.” A voice behind him made Changkyun jump a foot in the air. He turned, heart pounding painfully, to see Minhyuk, Hoseok and Jooheon sitting at the table behind them.

“When did you get here?” he asked, more confused than upset. The three of them obviously tried to disguise themselves, changing their hair color with spray and wearing clothing they wouldn’t normally. It warmed Changkyun’s heart to know they cared enough about him to go to such lengths just to make sure he was okay.

“Right after you sat down with the coffee. You were a little distracted.” Minhyuk winked and Changkyun felt his ears burn.

“Don’t worry, I’ll let Hyunwoo hyung know you’ll be back later. Take your time on your date Changkyunnie.” Minhyuk smiled, much warmer and less cheeky than before.

“Thank you hyung.” Changkyun returned it with a sincere smile of his own.

“Ah, he’s coming back.” Hoseok hissed before turning his attention back to his phone, his newly sprayed brown hair falling over his eyes. Changkyun turned back just in time for Min to slide into the seat across from him again.

“Hey, want to try and sneak another muffin into the theater?” He asked, eyes sparkling. “I know there’s no outside food allowed, but I saw a coffee crumble one in the case and it looks fresh.”

“As long as we don’t get caught.” Changkyun snickered – he refused to admit it was closer to a giggle than a snicker though.

“Ah, you’re with me,” He held his hand out to help Changkyun stand. “Nothing bad will happen to you when you’re with me.”

“In that case, lead the way.” Changkyun leaned into Min’s side as they walked back up to the counter to buy a second muffin, leaving the other members at their table. The three watched from under their bangs as the two put their facemasks on and left the café.

“I don’t like him.” Jooheon said first, looking back down at his untouched coffee.

“I think he’s cute,” Minhyuk said. “Shame he asked Changkyun out first. I would have scooped him up in a heartbeat.”

“Something’s… off about him.” Hoseok said finally, after a moment of struggling with his words.

“What makes you think that?” Minhyuk asked.

“I don’t know… I don’t like the way he talked about the whole No. Mercy thing… something just seemed… off.”

“Yeah, that didn’t sit right with me either.” Jooheon instantly agreed, causing Minhyuk to roll his eyes.

“You guys are just being paranoid because he’s our maknae.” He said, finishing his sugary coffee in a single gulp.

“Still…” Jooheon sighed, looking at his phone. There was a text from Gunhee.

“They just got to the theater. I managed to get a ticket two rows behind them. I’ll keep you updated.”

Jooheon felt a stab of guilt – for asking his friend to practically stalk Changkyun on his first date – but there was something about that Min guys that just didn’t sit right with him. He was prepared to face Changkyun’s disappointment if the younger boy ever found out.

Changkyun’s safety came before his own happiness.

* * *

  
“Thank you so much for today.” Changkyun said as Min walked him to the front door of the dorms.

“Thank you so much for coming out with me,” Min responded. After the movie, they had gone to the arcade, where Min had won him a stuffed sloth from a claw machine game. Changkyun was amazed, seeing how he had never once in his life managed to win something from the rigged game before. “I had a really amazing day.”

“Me too…” Changkyun whispered, looking up to the older boy. “I’ve never gone on a date like that before.”

“Then let me take you one an even better one,” Min asked smiling warmly at the other boy. “I have so many more planned, if you’ll let me.”

“Um, y-yeah,” Changkyun stuttered, a smile hurting his cheeks. “I’d love that.”

“Perfect, let me know when you’re free next okay?” He smiled wider when Changkyun nodded quickly. “And Changkyun? You really are too good for these boys. You deserve the entire world, not playing second fiddle to a bunch of vocalists.”

“Min what-?”

“Hey, forget it,” He leaned in and placed a kiss to the corner of Changkyun’s lips. “I’ll text you later okay?”

“Okay.” Changkyun felt lightheaded. Min smiled at him one last time and waited until Changkyun was safely inside the dorm before walking towards his own.

Changkyun watched him walk away through the window on the door, his blush never fading.

He made his way to the room he shared with Jooheon and grabbed a set of sleep clothes before rushing to the bathroom.

It was late, and he didn’t want to wake anyone up. As he brushed his teeth, he thought back to how soft Min’s lips were against the corner of his mouth and found himself wondering what they would feel like on his own lips. He finished getting ready for bed and snuck back into his room.

Jooheon listened as the youngest snuck in and settled into the top bunk. He wanted to say something – to ask about his date or to tell him to never see Min again or something - anything. Instead, he turned over and fell back to sleep with a scowl on his face.

* * *

 

"Hey Changkyun, are you alright?" Minhyuk asked after practice one day. Changkyun blinked at him, the question going over his head for a moment. He swallowed thickly before nodding.

"I'm just thinking." He said softly, his voice a little rough from the hours of rapping he and Jooheon had done that morning. 

"About what?"

"About Min, and about debut... and about everything I guess." Changkyun sat on the floor with his back against the wall. The others had gone out of the practice room to get more water, and Minhyuk slid down next to the maknae. 

"Wanna talk?" he asked carefully, knowing how hard Changkyun found opening up. The younger boy was quiet for a moment before nodding hesitantly. 

"I just... I know everything is okay now. I know that. I know that you love me, and that we're going to debut and that everything is going to be alright... but after my date with Min the thoughts have been getting louder again and I don't know why."

"What are they saying?" Minhyuk's heart broke to hear his maknae. He had been so happy when the younger boy started to trust them and open up to them. It had been his idea to make the banned words list when Changkyun wouldn't stop calling himself worthless. It was him that held Changkyun when he was sobbing at two in the morning, his lip bleeding from biting it so he wouldn't wake anyone up. Minhyuk felt particularly close to his maknae, and he just wanted the boy to be happy already. 

"Things like... I don't deserve to go on dates. That I'm wrong for dating a boy. That Min is just using me because I'm going to debut and that he'll never really like me for me because I'm unlovable..." 

"Changkyun, none of those things are true," Minhyuk put his arm around Changkyun and pulled him closer. "You deserve all the love in the world, and you're going to get it even if it kills me. As for Min, he seems like a good guy. Your head is just trying to sabotage you... are you going to go on another date with him?"

"Yeah... we're going to the park on Friday," Changkyun said shyly and Minhyuk beamed. "I've almost cancelled a few times already though... I'm just so nervous."

"Dates can be scary, but you should go for it! You never know where it could go. If you want I can help with your outfit again."

"Thanks hyung," Changkyun rested his head on Minhyuk's shoulder. "It means a lot that you support me in all this."

"Changkyun, babe, you could kill someone and I'd still support you," Minhyuk grinned at the horrified look on the boy's face. "That's what family does. We help family hide the body and help them get ready for cute gay dates."

"How are you older?" Changkyun asked but was smiling nonetheless.

"I'm sure the others ask that question daily." He shrugged, not phased by the younger boy.

"Speaking of the others..." Changkyun trailed off as he heard loud voices coming from down the hall.

"Do you want to keep this between us or should we talk to Hyunwoo hyung?" The playful tone in Minhyuk's voice dropped to something more serious.

"Don't tell him... I'm just starting to get better. I don't want hyung to know I'm still having thoughts like this."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with that though. Your head is still healing and sometimes things have to go back in order to go forward... but if you don't want me to tell him I won't."

"Thank you hyung... really."

"I'd do anything for you Changkyun." Minhyuk placed a soft kiss on Changkyun's forehead just as the door was thrown open.

"Hey!" Hoseok cried loudly. "Why does he get to kiss Changkyun and we can't?"

"Because he loves me more, obviously," Minhyuk grinned and bounced to his feet. "Are you jealous? Do you want a kiss too?" he made exaggerated kissing sounds and Hoseok wrinkled his nose.

"Who knows where those lips have been?" He shot back, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes. 

"I'm offended that you're slut shaming me but also proud that you think I can get that many people to kiss me." Minhyuk said flatly. There was a beat of silence before Changkyun's laughter filled the room. Everyone looked at the maknae, who was doubled over and holding his stomach. Everyone froze for a moment, basking in the sound of Changkyun's laughs for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Glad to see someone appriciates my sense of humor," Minhyuk huffed before walking back over to Changkyun. "This is why Kyunnie is my favorite out of all you slobs."

"I am not a slob thank you very much." Kihyun sounded more offended than he should have been.

"We are not going to fight over this," Hyunwoo stepped in, a smile playing on his lips. "Why don't we call it a day? I think the managers will understand if we cut out of practice a little early. Especially after how hard we worked this morning."

_"They're pretending to care."_ The voice whispered to Changkyun, but for the first time the boy brushed it off. 

He was starting to heal. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly I wanted to say thanks for the feedback on the whole OC vs real idol thing. You were all right. I think an OC is the best choice because it's tough painting an idol in bad light.
> 
> Secondly, the angst is coming back real soon.Things can't stay happy for long it seems! I'm going to be basing some of this on my own experiences, but also a lot on second hand accounts from friends, so I apologize if their relationship seems off or unbelievable at any point. Don't worry though. As much pain as I put my boys through, I always give them a happy ending by the last chapter!
> 
> On another note, I don't know when the next update will be. Hopefully soon, but I went to the hospital for the first time last night for an allergic reaction and missed a few days of work before that so my whole is kinda messed up. Also I have no concept of time so I could update by Friday or it'll be two weeks... no in between and I apologize for that in advance. 
> 
> Thank you everyone for the support on this! I just wanted to write a quick little thing because I didn't know what people would think about this new take on the whole situation but I was happily surprised to see how much love this is getting! It means a lot to me when people validate my stupid keyboard smashes haha
> 
> EDIT: it was brought to my attention that the formatting got McFucked again so hopefully now it doesn’t read like one big paragraph?


	6. Chapter 6

Changkyun looked over at Min, who was throwing away their trash a few feet away. There was a weird feeling in his chest - he felt warm and alive. His second, third and fourth dates had all gone so well and he could barely believe he was allowed to be as happy as he was. 

"What's going through your head sweetheart?" Min asked as he came back, a soft smile on his face. He sat next to Changkyun and took his hand. Their fingers laced together and Changkyun's heart skipped a beat.

"I'm just... I'm really happy." He said truthfully. Min's face lit up and Changkyun couldn't help but return the smile. 

"Me too," He kissed Changkyun's forehead. "I'm so lucky that I met you."

"I think I'm the lucky one." Changkyun chuckled a little.

"Ah. it's getting late. I have to get you home..." Min sounded sad and Changkyun wished he could stay out later but he had already promised to stay late the next week just so he could have what little time he already did with the other boy.

"Thank you for taking me out tonight," He said with a blush. "I can't wait till our next date."

"I'm already planning it," Min winked as he walked Changkyun up to his front door. "I'll see you later." 

"Good night Min." Changkyun reached up to kiss the taller boy lightly before turning and basically running inside. He closed the door and leaned against it with a smile on his face. He turned back and watched Min walk away through the little window, grinning wider when Min seemed to hesitate before leaving.

Changkyun's face hurt from how much he had smiled that day and his chest hurt from how overwhelmingly happy he was. He was genuinely getting better and for the first time he was actually looking forward to what the future had in store for him. 

* * *

 

“Changkyun, watch where you’re going!” Min yelled and he yanked the younger boy back by his sweatshirt hood. Changkyun stumbled into his boyfriend’s chest, confused. He glanced over and saw he was easily five feet from the edge of the curb.

“I was fine Min,” he said adjusting his hood. “I wasn’t anywhere near the street…”

“Oh, so you know better than me know?” Min said harshly. Changkyun just looked at him with wide, confused eyes.

“I-I’m sorry…”

“You better be. I just want to protect you, make sure you stay safe and you talk back to me? Do you talk to every one like that?”

“What? No I just… I’m sorry. I didn’t think I was that close to the road… I’ll pay better attention next time…” Changkyun didn’t know why his eyes stung so badly. He looked at his feet and tried to hide the fact that he was sniffling. He heard a heavy sigh from beside him.

“Hey, it’s alright. We all get a little careless sometimes,” Min said softly, lifting Changkyun’s chin to look him in the eye. “Let’s get some lunch, okay? My treat.”

“Sounds good.” Changkyun mumbled, but it was enough to satisfy Min, who ruffled his hair and smiled.

The elder trainee took the lead, gripping Changkyun’s hand in his own almost painfully. He led them to a small booth by the river. He ordered two helpings of whatever they were selling, not bothering to ask Changkyun if he was okay with it.

“Ah, I’m not a huge fan of scallions.” Changkyun said quietly as he saw the green vegetable on top of the food as a garnish.

“Right, sorry babe,” Min didn’t sound all that sorry and Changkyun felt something in his chest clench. “Maybe it’s for the best. You’re going to debut in a few weeks. You won’t have to have to get resized for everything would you?”

“I guess not…” Changkyun trailed off, looking towards the water as his boyfriend scarfed down both helping on his own, not even hesitating to offer the younger boy a bite.

“You know, I get that the others are your band members but I get a bad vibe from them.” Min said after he polished off the last bite. Changkyun looked at him with a confused look. His members were wonderful, especially with his anxiety and making sure he talked though his thoughts rather than keeping them bottled up like he had been.

“What do you mean?” He found himself asking. Min shrugged and licked his lips.

“I dunno. I just feel like they aren’t being truthful around you. Whenever I see you guys together, it always looks like they’re hiding something from you.”

“That’s not true,” Changkyun instantly defended his friends, but Min’s words made his mind start to go into overtime. How many times had he walked into the room, only to have the conversation fall silent? How many times had he heard whispering – his name mixed in with muffled words? How many times had he caught the boys sending each other pointed looks through the mirrors of the practice room? “Right? They… they care about me…”

“I don’t know babe. They weren’t the most welcoming when you started on the show. How can we know those feelings aren’t still there?”

“Do you really think they still hate me?” Changkyun’s voice was almost silent, trembling at the thought that they were still playing with him. He was just getting over the voice in his head and the things it told him.

“I can’t say anything for sure…” Min turned and looked at Changkyun, cradling the other boy’s face in his hands. “But I can promise that I’m the only one who won’t lie to you. You believe me, right baby?”

“I-” he didn’t know what to think. He felt Min’s fingers tightening around his chin and held back a yelp. “Of course Min. Of course I trust you.”

“There’s my good boy,” He smiled, his single dimple erasing the angry glint in his eye. “I want ice cream now. You can have a bite if you’re good.”

Changkyun followed close behind, almost afraid to be too far from the taller boy.

* * *

  
“Changkyun, is everything alright?” Hyunwoo asked at dinner that night. Changkyun looked up from his almost full plate and bit his lower lip.

“Yeah,” He said, letting his lip fall from his teeth. “Not hungry, that’s all.”

“Eat too much on your date?” Minhyuk grinned, nudging the maknae in the side. He didn’t miss how Changkyun seemed to flinch and his smile dropped. “Did… did something happen?”

“What? Of course not,” He said quickly, his palms feeling sweaty. “You’re right. Ate too much when I was out with Min. Thanks for the meal Kihyun hyung. I’m going to go to bed now.”

Changkyun practically ran from the kitchen, leaving his plate in the table and six sets of eyes staring after him. He slammed the bathroom door behind him, his breathing suddenly catching in his throat. His eyes stung and all he wanted to do was scream – to punch the wall or to tear out his hair or to hurt himself…

He had been clean since the day Gunhee found him. He and Jooheon had made sure the youngest had gathered every sharp object in his possession and throw them out under their watchful gaze. He had been tempted, sure, but he held out. Seeing how proud his hyungs were of him for staying clean gave him the strength to keep fighting, but he was tired of fighting.

Changkyun bit his knuckle, partly to keep from sobbing out loud, but also to feel the pain. He didn’t have any other outlet at the moment. He gnawed at the skin, his teeth breaking the skin and filling his mouth with warm copper. When his stomach started to violently reject the blood running down his throat, Changkyun leaned over the toilet and heaved. The few bites of dinner came up along with the pink bile.

Min’s words came floating back to him. He couldn’t put on any weight before their debut. He would be a burden if the stylists had to resize all of his outfits just because he couldn’t stop himself from snacking at every given opportunity. Min really did him a favor, he realized, when he ate all the food himself. He was happy enough seeing his boyfriend enjoy the snack. He didn’t need the food to be happy. He just wanted Min to be happy.

Even if that meant sacrificing his own happiness.

Changkyun went to his room and hid under his covers, praying sleep would find him soon. The door opened again and the bed dipped as another body sat on the mattress. It was a little awkward with Changkyun being on the top bunk, but Jooheon was never one to back away. Changkyun felt his friend postition himself next to the maknae, their legs intertwining and Jooheon's arms around his waist the way they normally laid when they shared a bed. It was comforting to Changkyun.

"Hey Kyunnie," Jooheon whispered, not wanting to talk too loudly in the other boy's ear. "Is everything okay? You seemed... out of it."

"It's fine hyung," He whispered back, feeling a pang in his chest. He didn't mean to lie to Jooheon, but the bad habit of covering everything up was easier to fall back into than he thought. "Just tired."

"You know I don't believe that," Jooheon's breath tickled the back of his neck. "You told me that any time you say you're tired, it's something more. Changkyun cursed himself for sharing that detail about himself. 

"Really hyung..."

"You know you can tell me anything."

"I just.. something doesn't feel right..." Changkyun didn't know how to explain it. "It's like there this huge storm in the distance and I know I have to prepare for it but I don't know how to do that, but if I don't prepare I'm going to be in trouble. There's this weight in my chest and nothing I do seems to make it go away..."

"Did something happen with Min?"

"No... he snapped at me today but that's because I was walking too close to the street. I didn't think I was that close but he was just taking care of me."

"I think... I think your instincts know better than you do. If something doesn't feel right, you should listen to it," Jooheon said carefully, fully knowing that one wrong thing and Changkyun would shut him out again. He waited for the boy to respond, but when it was clear that Changkyun wasn't going to comment he spoke up again. "Just know that your hyungs are here for you no matter what. No matter what happens with debut, or with Min, or with anything. We'll always have your back. Even twenty years down the road when the band is over and we're all married and whatever. What we have? We're a family. Nothing can break that."

"Thank you hyung." Changkyun whispered, and Jooheon could hear how his voice wavered. 

"Goodnight Changkyunnie." He pulled the boy closer to him. 

* * *

  
“Baby, you’re getting sloppy.” Min stopped the music halfway through the song. He and Changkyun had stayed behind so the younger boy could practice the second song for their debut stage. The choreography was even more difficult, and he found himself tripping over himself more often than not.

“Sorry…” Changkyun panted, his bangs sticking to his face. “I just… need a minute.”

“You don’t really have a minute babe,” Min said apathetically. “At this rate, you’re going to fall behind. You were doing so much better than the others, but now…”

“I can do better!” Changkyun stood up straight, fear piercing his chest. He didn’t want to disappoint his boyfriend. “I promise… just give me a minute to catch my breath.”

“Ah, that’s my Changkyunnie. Always so hard working. Your hyungs are stupid to not appreciate you the way I do.” Min sauntered over to the still panting boy. Changkyun bit the inside of his cheek, not wanting to upset the older boy by defending his band members again.

“I think- I think I’m ready to try again.” Changkyun stuttered and Min came closer and closer. The taller boy stopped when he was inches from Changkyun’s face, pressing the smaller boy against the mirror. Changkyun could feel the sweat from his back fogging up the mirror, but he was too focused on the feeling of Min’s lips against his own.

Though they had been going out for almost a month and a half, they never did anything past kissing – much to Min’s obvious dissapointment. At first he had been understanding. After all, it was Changkyun’s first relationship with another boy, and they had to be discreet. Soon after the two week mark, however, the older boy started to get impatient. Changkyun went as far as he could, only pushing Min away when he genuinely couldn’t handle it anymore.

Min’s kisses started getting rougher, and Changkyun just wanted it to stop. He never kissed Changkyun like he did that first night anymore. There were never any soft touches or gentle caresses. It was always rushed and almost painful. Min bit Changkyun’s lower bit, causing the younger boy to whimper. Changkyun tried to hold back his tears, but feeling Min’s tongue enter his mouth made him feel dirty.

He hated that he felt that way. Min was his boyfriend.

Min loved him.

Right?

When he felt Min’s hands wander down his torso, Changkyun froze. He trembled as the older boy started pawing at his pants, looking for the spot that should make his boyfriend tremble and moan. Instead, all he got was another sad whimper.

He pulled away, frowning. Changkyun hated seeing Min frown like that. He felt like such a disappointment when he couldn’t do what his boyfriend wanted him to do. What kind of useless partner was he? He never felt this way when Minhyuk would kiss his face, or when Jooheon would hold him at night but for some reason, when Min touched him Changkyun felt... dirty. 

“Let’s just call it a night.” Min said, sounding hurt as he turned away.

“Wait no-” Changkyun didn’t know why he was trying to pull Min back. Maybe he just needed another moment to gather his thoughts before he could go farther.

“It’s obvious you aren’t in the mood... yet again,” Min all but snapped. "I’m going back to my dorm. Text me when you aren’t being so selfish.”

Min slammed the door behind him, leaving Changkyun alone in the practice room. He fell to his knees, his eyes swimming with unshed tears. He felt used. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just give in and make Min happy. He dragged himself over to his phone and called the first person in his messages.

“Hyung…” He whispered, trying to hold back his tears.

“Changkyun?” Jooheon’s voice never sounded sweeter to the maknae. “Where are you? It’s almost midnight.”

“Min and I stayed back to practice but…” His words got caught in his throat and Jooheon cursed on the other side.

“Stay there,” he said suddenly. “I’m on my way. Don’t hang up, okay? I’ll be there soon.”

“Why can’t I just give him what he wants?” Changkyun whispered brokenly. Jooheon cursed again and Changkyun could hear the other rapper’s footsteps slapping against the pavement. “I’m such an ungrateful boyfriend. He gives me everything, and I can’t even do one thing right… he’s going to dump me because I’m pathetic.” He finally broke, sobbing into the receiver of his phone.

“Changkyunnie, that’s completely backwards,” Jooheon panted. He was racing up the staircase to the floor where he knew Changkyun was. He couldn’t bring himself to wait for the elevator when he could take the steps two at a time and get there that much quicker. “You are the most selfless person I’ve ever met. I’m almost there, okay?”

Changkyun didn’t respond, but the elder rapper could still hear him breathing heavily through the connection. Jooheon raced down the hall, towards the only room on the floor that had a light on. He looked through the window and saw his Changkyun leaning against the mirror, head resting against his knees and his shoulders shaking.

“Changkyun?” He asked carefully as he opened the door. The maknae froze but didn’t lift his head. Jooheon slid to the floor next to him, close enough for the boy to rest his head on his hyung’s shoulder. “What happened?”

“The same thing that always happens,” Changkyun said bitterly, his words matching the expression on his face. “All I had to do was let Min touch me, but I keep hesitating. No wonder he doesn’t say he loves me… how could he love someone as selfish as me?”

“Changkyun, that’s not how relationships work,” Jooheon desperately tried to make his friend see reason. Ever since the first night Changkyun came home crying – he had told Min that he thought he loved the older boy and Min had scoffed, saying he was being childish for saying those words so soon in their relationship. He never said the same three words back. “I’ve been trying to tell you-”

“You don’t get it!” Changkyun snapped, whipping his face angrily. “He’s… he’s all I got. Without him, no one would love me… I need him hyung. He's the only one who would put up with me.”

“You don’t need him. You are more than lovable and he's making you think you aren't... He makes you think you need him so he can take advantage of you. No one who really loved you would even think about trying to push you into something you’re not comfortable with. He’s practically raping you-”

“SHUT UP!” Changkyun screamed, pushing away from the other boy. He stood, shoulders hunched and breathing ragged. “You don’t understand anything! Min was right… He really is the only one who understands me. You’ve never appreciated me the way he does! He's the only one who really cares about me! ”

Before Jooheon could even comprehend what Changkyun had said, the maknae was storming out of the room. With shaking hands, Jooheon pulled out his phone and called Hyunwoo.

“Hyung?” His voice shook and the leader instantly knew something was wrong. “We gotta… we gotta save Changkyun. From Min, and from himself.”

“What happened?”

“The same things as last time but… I think Min’s trying to turn him against us.” His voice broke when the situation hit him fully. “Oh god hyung, we’re going to lose Changkyunnie to this bastard…”

“We won’t let that happen,” Hyunwoo sounded so sure that he almost made Jooheon feel better. Almost. “We got him to trust us once before. We can do it again.”

“I’m so scared…”

“Where is he now?”

“I don’t know. He stormed out of the practice room after yelling at me…” Tears filled Jooheon’s eyes once again. After everything that happened, the youngest had never raised his voice to him before. Hearing his normally low, almost meek voice raised and filled with rage made Jooheon feel something he never though he could feel.

He was afraid of Changkyun.

“If he’s not back in an hour, we’ll call the manager. Maybe he just needs to clear his head.” Hyunwoo rationalized, and it made sense to Jooheon.

“If you say so… I’ll head back now…” Jooheon hung up before Hyunwoo could respond and quickly turned off the lights, leaving the practice room as empty as his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is little shorter than usual. Because I'm on steroids for my newly discovered pineapple allergy (I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I developed my first real allergy to one of my favorite fruits) my sleep schedule is McFucked up. I got maybe fifteen minutes of sleep last night and worked all morning. I took some purple stuff to help me sleep, and I can definitely feel it kicking in which is probably why I'm rambling like a lunatic there. Long story short this chapter is only like six pages because I'm falling asleep but I wanted to post something before I went to bed.
> 
> I just want to put it out there that if you're in a relationship - be it romantic, platonic or even a family situation - and anything that Min does seems familiar, you're not alone. Abusive relationships tend to be the most dangerous when you don't even realize they're being abusive. I was in a pretty bad relationship last summer, and I'm basing some of what Min does on that.
> 
> That being said, if anyone wants to talk about something - abusive relationships, depression, or even just about your day - I'm always here to talk. My twitter is @ 25boyfriends and I'm always willing to talk or even just be a listening ear. You're never alone, no matter how alienated the people around you might make you feel.


	7. Chapter 7

Changkyun ran. He felt his blood pounding in his ears as tears streamed down his face. His feet carried him to a place he’d only been a few times, since Min didn’t like hanging out in his own dorm. He preferred going out but Changkyun remembered the way.

He was furious. How dare Jooheon try to make it seem like Min was trying to hurt him? Min cared about him. Why else would the older boy put up with his insecurities and everything else? He kept running, the slap of his sneakers on the pavement creating a steady rhythm.

The dorm building came into sight and Changkyun felt something bubble up in his chest that he didn’t recognize. A mix between resentment, fear and anger, all boiling together in his stomach and making him lift his fist to knock.

It took a moment before someone opened the door. It was one of Min’s roommates. Changkyun had only met him once, and Min didn’t bother giving them a proper introduction. The boy glanced over his shoulder into the dorm and called out.

“Um, Min? Your boyfriend is here?” He sounded confused. There was rustling in the dorm, and shortly after Min appeared behind his roommate. He was fresh out of the shower, his hair dripping and sweatpants slung low on his hips.

“Changkyun?” He asked, sounding as if they hadn’t fought earlier. Changkyun took a deep breath before looking the older boy right in the eye. He felt a stab of pride when he saw Min’s eyes widen at the fire in his own.

“Min, fuck me.” He said, his voice sure but quiet. Min’s roommate looked between the two of them, mouth slightly open before making a mumbled excuse to duck away. Min blinked a few times before gathering his thoughts.

“Are you sure?” He asked, sounding… different.

“Yes. Fuck me. Now. I want you.” Changkyun said with as much conviction as he could muster, hiding his shaking hands behind his back. Min’s confused look melted into something smug. He raised an eyebrow and opened the door wider for the younger boy to step through.

“I knew you’d come around,” He said easily, placing a hand on Changkyun’s lower back. He led the other boy through the dorm – almost an exact copy of the one he himself lived in – to his room. He threw the door open, startling the other trainee sitting on his bed. He was another roommate Changkyun wasn’t properly introduced to, but knew his name started with an ‘M’ as well. “Out. Changkyun and I have something we have to do. You can sleep on the couch.”

“But Min-”

“I said out.” Min snapped, causing Changkyun to flinch. The other boy glanced at him, almost as if to ask him if he wanted to run, but he sadly looked to the ground before grabbing his pillow and blanket and scurrying from the room. Min slammed the door and instantly pinned Changkyun to the bed, attacking his mouth.

Changkyun felt a swell of panic, but he remembered Jooheon’s words and his confidence came back. He let his head fall as Min kissed his way down his neck, eyes closed and mouth open. He let Min do whatever he wanted.

Because Min loved him.

Right?

* * *

  
“Where the literal, actual fuck have you been?” Kihyun spat as Changkyun tried to sneak back into the dorms. It was almost three in the morning and the entire band was pacing the living room. When Jooheon got back, cheeks tacky with tears, Hyunwoo instantly comforted the second youngest. When midnight came, they decided to wait just another fifteen minutes for their maknae to come home before they involved the managers. And another fifteen, and another until the clock in the hall was chiming two.

“Doesn’t matter.” Changkyun tried to push past him, only to be pinned to the wall. While he wasn’t the tallest, having Kihyun pin him against the wall was shocking.

“I’m going to ask again and you better fucking answer,” He growled, but Changkyun wasn’t intimidated. “Where have you been? It’s two in the goddamn morning- it’s almost three in the fucking morning, and no one knew where you were. You come stumbling home, covered in- what the fuck?” Kihyun pulled Changkyun’s collar aside to show a large patch of painful looking bruising spreading from his jawline to under his shirt.

“It’s fine.” He said briskly, ripping himself from Kihyun’s grip.

“Oh my god, did someone hurt you?” All the fire in Kihyun’s voice was gone. His words got the attention of the others, who were keeping a distance from the angry vocalist and maknae. Six sets of eyes fixed on the bruising that peeked out and Changkyun felt sick.

“No, it’s not like that,” His voice was hoarse. Min yelled at him for muffling his sounds, so he punished the boy until he was louder. “I-”

“Changkyun,” Hoseok came over and placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder. Changkyun flinched away at the contact, his eyes widening like a kicked dog.

“Changkyunnie, if someone’s hurting you, you can tell us. We just want to keep you safe-”

“Bullshit…” Changkyun whispered, tears stinging his eyes.

“What?” Hoseok couldn’t make out what the boy said, but when Changkyun lifted his head, the older boy saw fire burning in his eyes.

“I said, that’s bullshit!” He yelled, his voice cracking painfully. “You’re all fucking liars! Min was right all along. He would never hurt me, but you guys… how much of this has been fake, huh? How long were you going to play with my head? Until I trust you and you could hurt me? Until I made a fool of myself? When was this joke going to be enough for you assholes?”

“What are you talking about?” Minhyuk was in tears. He had never seen the youngest so upset before, and never though he would ever hear such spiteful words spewing from the maknae’s mouth. He never thought Min was that kind of person – he always seemed so nice to Changkyun when he took the boy out on dates. “Changkyun, we would never-”

“Did he do that to you?” Hyungwon cut Minhyuk off. All eyes were back on Changkyun’s neck.

“And if he did?” Changkyun spat. The room grew colder.

“Changkyun… that’s not-” Jooheon couldn’t stop his voice from shaking. He was so scared… his best friend was with a monster. A monster who was brainwashing him and there was nothing the second youngest could do.

“He loves me,” Changkyun spat out, tears finally working their way down his face. He gave a hysterical laugh as the tears splashed onto his bruised collarbones. His hands found their way to his bangs and he gave them a harsh tug as he laughed again. “He finally said it… he finally loves me… all it took was letting him fuck me-”

“Did you want it?” Hyunwoo whispered, the soft words speaking volumes in the silence that followed it.

“What?” Changkyun, for the first time in weeks, sounded like the boy they knew.

“Did you want to sleep with Min, or did he guilt you into it?” Hyunwoo looked Changkyun in the eyes and wouldn’t let the younger boy look away. He saw a flash of emotion, but it was quickly gone. Changkyun placed his mask back on, blocking out every thought or emotion flooding through his mind.

“It doesn’t matter,” He said blankly. The sudden shift in his tone scared the others. “As long as he’s happy, it doesn’t matter.”

“That’s not how this works-” Kihyun tried to object, but Changkyun was already walking away. No one seemed to be able to move as the maknae went into the bathroom. They heard the lock slide into place and the shower start.

Changkyun felt used. He could feel Min's hands on his skin like fire that marked him permanently. He looked in the mirror and gagged at what he saw. It looked like Min had tried to strangle him, which wasn't far from the truth. He carefully peeled off his shirt and bit his lip painfully. His chest was even worse. Bruises and scratches marred his skin - a physical reminder of what Min did to him. He could see more bruises peaking from the waistband of his pants and he felt bile rising in the back of his throat. He just wanted Min to love him, so why did things end up like this? 

He dropped his pants and stepped out of them, the blood and cum already dried on his boxers. He felt his stomach heave again as the distinct finger shaped bruises started getting darker on his hips, where the taller boy's hands had gripped him so tightly that Changkyun started crying. His knees gave out as images flashed through his mind and he barely caught himself on the sink before his temple smacked the porcelain. The last few hours replayed in his head and Changkyun was throwing up before he could make it to the toilet. He grimaced at the vomit in the sink, noticing some had dribbled down the side of the bowl and was dripping onto the floor. 

He fought back the urge to scream.

_"No one can ever love you now. You're disgusting. Imagine what the others would think if they knew the things you let Min do to you... they would hate you even more. Did you see how mad Kihyun was when you came in? There's no way you could make it up to him. He's going to hate you forever and it's all your fault for being such a huge disappointment... "_

Changkyun sobbed loudly, not bothering to bite back the sound. he was too tired to care about anything at that point. Just as he was about to step into the shower, something caught his eye. Minhyuk had left a pair of scissors on the sink after spontaneously trimming his own bangs. Changkyun's urges screamed at him and before he even knew what he was doing, there were lines of blood beading up on his thigh. The blade wasn't as sharp as the ones he was used to, but it caused damage and that's all that mattered to him at that moment.

He realized what a failure he was. He had been doing so well with this. He had been clean for months and would go to the Jooheon when he wanted to cut. He let his hyung care for him and talk him through his bad thoughts. Jooheon never judged him, and always had something to distract the other rapper, but Changkyun knew he couldn't go to Jooheon with this. Jooheon would see the bruises and know what a slut Changkyun was. Jooheon would say he deserved to hurt.

_"He would never be able to look you in the eye again. You finally did it Changkyun. You fucked up so badly that there's no coming back. There's no way to redeem yourself after this, and it's all your fault."_

Changkyun wasn't crying anymore. He just shook as he added line after line to his leg. When the shaking got too bad, he dropped the red scissors on the floor and finally stepped into the shower, grinning as the cuts stung under the water. 

He deserved it after all. 

* * *

 

“I’m just doing this because I love you, remember?” Min said sweetly as Changkyun threw up over the small trash can. The younger boy had cheated on his diet and had a single slice of pizza. He didn’t mean to eat it, but he was just so hungry and it was less than the salads he normally picked at. It was just one slice, right? The second Min smelled the grease on his boyfriend, he made Changkyun throw it up.

“It hurts…” Changkyun whimpered, his throat burning and his eyes stinging.

“I know baby, but you want to be perfect right?” Min pushed Changkyun's elbow, forcing his fingers deep into his throat. Changkyun gagged again but nothing came out. His stomach was empty. 

“I’m sorry I messed up.” Changkyun didn’t want to cry anymore. His throat felt like it was ripped to shreds and his stomach was cramping painfully. 

“I know, but you’re going to do better next time, right?” Min placed his hand on the back of Changkyun neck, his long fingers wrapping around in ways that made Changkyun want to rip out of the touch and scramble back. He didn't though. He just trembled under the other boy's hand. 

“Yes Min.” he said, resigned.

“That’s my boy. Now, why don’t you show me how much you’ve improved? You stayed late last night like I told you, right?”

“Yes Min.” Changkyun said again, feeling more and more like a robot - like a toy.

“That’s my boy.” Min placed a kiss to Changkyun’s forehead, and the younger boy felt nothing.

* * *

  
“Changkyun?” Jooheon whispered, not wanting to startle the other rapper. Since his blow up after spending the night with Min, the others had been tip toeing around their maknae – and in return Changkyun had been flinching from any loud noise, always on edge even at home.

Changkyun had come home late again. The others had gone to bed, upset that their youngest was still disobeying and ignoring them. Jooheon was the only one who stayed up, ice pack in hand. The last few times his friend had come home late, there were new bruises decorating his skin.

“Here, this should help with the swelling.” Jooheon said softly, handing the ice pack to the other boy. Changkyun hesitated, as if expecting to get hit, before taking the pack and holding it to his split lip. Jooheon wasn’t surprised to see the youngest bleeding.

“I’m sorry hyung.” Changkyun’s voice was thick and the sound of it made Jooheon jump. The maknae hadn’t willingly talked to anyone in weeks, the most communication done through pointed looks during practices. Jooheon felt terror close his throat up. Changkyun's voice was raspy and painful to listen to, but on top of that he sounded so dead that Jooheon was afraid that he might just loose his friend.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Jooheon said softly, not wanting to scare Changkyun now that he was finally talking again. “You want some tea? I can boil some water. Or are you hungry? There are left overs in the fridge. I know Kihyun hyung is acting mad, but he’s just worried about you. We all are…”

“I can’t get fat,” Changkyun said through the pack, fear coloring his otherwise monotone words. “Min-”

“Min what?” Jooheon didn’t want to push Changkyun, but he knew the younger boy needed to talk about what was happening. “What did he do to you?”

“He gets mad when I break my diet,” He said simply, no emotion behind his words. “It hurts when he makes me throw up but it’s for the best. I have to be perfect for debut.”

“He makes you throw up?” Jooheon felt ice run through his veins. He knew the youngest had been losing weight, but it never once crossed his mind that Changkyun was being forced to purge what he ate.

“He does it because he cares about me. He wouldn’t do it if he didn’t love me.” Changkyun said, and Jooheon genuinely couldn’t tell if the smaller boy was trying to convince the older rapper, or trying to convince himself.

“Changkyun, that’s not love,” Jooheon buried his nose in his friend’s hair, relishing in the familiar scent and warmth it brought him. “Love should make you feel giggly and soft and warm inside. You shouldn’t be afraid around the person you love…”

“Jooheon, why does he hurt me?” Changkyun broke, everything he had been holding back for almost three months spilling out at once. “What did I do to deserve this? I just… I just want to make him happy… I want him to smile at me like before but all he does is yell at me. Why am I not good enough? What can I do to be good enough for him?”

To say Jooheon’s heart broke would be an understatement. Changkyun collapsed in his arms, the ice pack falling to the floor. Jooheon held the smaller boy tightly as he cried, gripping onto his sweatshirt as if he was going to disappear any second.

“No, no baby that’s not it,” Jooheon whispered, his own tears mixing with Changkyun’s. “You’ve got it all turned around. He’s the one who never deserved you. You’re so amazing and thoughtful and caring, and he’s just taking advantage of you. You deserve someone who takes you on real dates and lets you eat the last bite of ice cream and lets you pick the movie every time, even if it’s the same dumb cartoon you’ve seen a hundred times.”

“I really am unlovable…” Changkyun spoke over Jooheon. “Min was right… no one could love me… I’m lucky he even pays attention to me.”

“Absolutely not-”

“I’m un-unlovable-”

“Changkyun listen to me-”

“He’s right! I’m nothing without him! I’m worthless-”

Jooheon had enough. He wasn’t going to sit there and listen to his best friend spew such dirty, disgusting lies. He lunged forward and caught Changkyun’s lips with his own. The smaller boy cried out in pain, his split lip opening up again. Jooheon pulled back quickly before hesitating and placing a second, gentler kiss to the uninjured side of Changkyun’s mouth.

“Hyung…” Changkyun stared at him with the wide, scared eyes. Jooheon’s own eyes widened when he realized what he had done. His tongue shot out and licked his bottom lip, and he could taste Changkyun’s blood there.

“Changkyun, you deserve someone who loves you for you. For all your little quirks and dumb habits… You deserve the world, and I’d do anything to show you how worthy of love you are.” Jooheon took his hands carefully, not missing how hard Changkyun was shaking.

“He’s going to kill me…” Changkyun whispered, his face going pale.

“I won’t let him lay another finger on you, do you hear me? I’ll go over there right now and beat him to a pulp for even touching a hair on your head.” Jooheon growled, honest to god ready to grab his jacket and the prop baseball bat he still had around the dorm somewhere.

“Why do I love him?” Changkyun asked, chuckling sadly. “He hurts me… hits me and breaks me down… but I still love him. Am I just that stupid?”

“We can’t control our feelings, and as much as I wish I could have stopped this before it happened, he tricked you into caring about him. That’s what people like Min do. They lie and they hurt to get what they want. They cheat and steal and fuck people over without thinking about who they leave in the dust. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“I don’t want to love him anymore…” Changkyun slumped against Jooheon’s chest. Jooheon could literally feel the fight in Changkyun fail as his slight frame collapsed into his arms.

“Come on Changkyunnie, let’s go to bed,” He said softly as he picked his friend up. It scared him how easily he was able to lift the younger rapper. “I’ve missed you, you know. My bed is too big without you.”

“I’ve missed you too hyung.” He muttered before falling asleep in Jooheon’s arms. The older rapper waited until Changkyun was safety tucked in and secure in his arms before kissing his forehead, letting his tears roll silently into the pillow they shared.

Changkyun's mind was running a hundred miles a second. Jooheon had kissed him. Jooheon, his best friend and the first boy he ever had a crush on. He seeemd so serious when he promised to protect him, but Changkyun was still afraid. Jooheon was tough, but Min was taller and faster.

_"He's going to hurt you when he finds out you cheated on him. He's going to hurt you, then he's going to go after Jooheon."_   The voice hissed and Changkyun started shaking again. He didn't care is Min hurt him, but the thought that Min would hurt Jooheon because of him was too much.

"What are you thinking about?" Jooheon's arms held Changkyun tightly but not uncomfortably. 

"He's going to hurt me when he finds out you kissed me, and then he's going to hurt you. I can't let him hurt you..."

"He's not going to hurt you either. You're never going to hurt again. I swear on my life."

"I'm scared hyung..." His voice shook as badly as his body. 

"I'm going to protect you. I swear. Me, and the others... we'll never let you hurt like this again."

"Please..."

"Anything for you Changkyunnie."

 

* * *

  
Changkyun knew he was in trouble. He was sitting at the kitchen table while the other six boys stood, the small room even more crowded than usual. He looked at his hands resting on his lap and saw how his fingers were trembling.

“Changkyun, we’re not going to yell at you,” Hyunwoo pulled the chair out directly to the maknae’s right and sat down. Changkyun tried not to flinch but he couldn’t help it. He noticed how the room seemed to tense. “We… we’re scared. We love you, and it’s killing us to see you- you disappearing right in front of us.”

“We just want you to trust us again.” Hoseok chimed in. His eyes were rimmed red but he was doing his best to stay strong for Changkyun.

“We’re not going to force you to talk, but if there’s anything you want to get off your chest just know we could never hate you for anything,” Kihyun said taking the chair to Changkyun’s left. He took the maknae’s shaking hands in his firmer ones in a hope of transferring some of his strength to the boy. “We’re your family Changkyun. We’ll defend you with our lives.”

“I… I don’t even know where to start…” Changkyun said honestly, and everyone managed to take a breath. They were afraid he was going to push them away.

“What happened last night?” Hyunwoo prompted. He lifted his hand as if to trace the split on the boy’s lip but hesitated, his thumb hovering above the wound. Seeing the maknae in Jooheon’s bed that morning - wrapped up together and legs tangled – gave the older members some hope that maybe, just maybe, their maknae was there still inside somewhere.

“Min got mad…” Changkyun whispered sadly but his tone told the others that this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.

“Why was he mad?”

“I wouldn’t relax… and he said it was ruining the mood. He doesn’t like it when I don’t do what he says but it just hurt really bad… He doesn’t like it when I cry either, which is why he hit me. He’s making me stronger. He says the industry is tough, and if I’m going to be a baby I’m never going to make it. He’s just trying to protect me…”

“Changkyun, he’s not protecting you. He’s abusing you. You understand that right?” Kihyun was the first to speak after a painful moment of silence. Hyunwoo gestured for him to hold his words for a moment and turned to Changkyun, who was looking at his lap again.

“Changkyun, there are people out there who will take advantage of the people around them with no remorse. They don’t care who they have to step on to get to the top. You are so much more than a stepping stone for this guy.”

“I don’t think he really loves me,” Changkyun said sadly. “I’ve been trying to convince myself that he does but…”

“You don’t need him,” Minhyuk spoke up. He had been silent – more so than anyone though he was capable of. “You… you came into No. Mercy halfway through. All the odds were stacked against you – hell, even we were. But guess what. You won. You won fair and square. You had all these awful thoughts in your head that caused you to do… awful things to yourself, but you overcame that too. You’re without a doubt the strongest out of the seven of us. I don’t think I would survive a single day going through what you did, and that just makes me look up to you even more. You don’t understand how much love you just- you just radiate. You radiate love and… it’s been missing. The dorm feels so damn cold all the time and everyone is always on edge and I just want my Changkyunnie back. I want my maknae back and I want to cuddle with him and I want to pinch his cheeks until he hits me and I want things to go back to normal because seeing you bruised and scared fucking kills me. It fucking kills me to see you so broken and I feel helpless because there’s nothing I can do… please, let us help you Changkyun. We want to help you. We want you to trust us again and- and let us in.” He rambled as he sobbed – big, ugly sobs that distorted his words.

Changkyun launched himself from the chair and into Minhyuk’s arms. The older boy instantly wrapped his arms around Changkyun as if his life depended on it.

“We’re going to protect you, no matter what.” Hyunwoo said firmly, watching Changkyun and Minhyuk hold each other.

“He’s never going to lay a single finger on you ever again,” Jooheon growled, his blood pounding after Changkyun’s confession. “I’ll personally make sure of that.”

A ringing phone broke through the room. Changkyun froze suddenly, the familiar tone causing painful ice to rip through his veins. In slow motion, he turned to see his phone lighting up on the table, Min’s contact illuminating the screen.

No one breathed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little closer to the normal length - around 3500 words give or take.
> 
> Min's character strayed from what he originally was supposed to be. At first he was supposed to be a lot more cunning and underhanded with his manipulation by using his emotions and stuff to hurt Changkyun, but this is just how it managed to write itself. The next chapter is going to get ugly, but then things will get better. Probably.
> 
> Also, thank you everyone for validating the way I write dialogue. It's definitely something I'm a little insecure about when it comes to my writing, and you know what they say! Validation from people online is the best because they have no reason to lie. No one else says that? Just me? Oh well!


	8. Chapter 8

“Changkyun, you don’t have to answer that.” Kihyun said, his own eyes still glued to the maknae’s phone.

“I have to do something,” Changkyun whispered back, a tremor of fear going down his spine. “He got mad last time I didn’t answer his call.” The room tensed at the mention of the boy’s temper. Changkyun reached and grabbed his phone with oddly still fingers.

“Put in on speaker so we can hear,” Hyunwoo suggested. “We won’t say anything.”  
Changkyun just nodded before hitting the accept call button. Min’s voice instantly flooded the kitchen and everyone scowled a little.

“Changkyun? Love? Listen to me,” Min said, sounding scared. Something wasn’t right, and it made Changkyun hesitate. “Can you hear me?”

“Y-yeah, I’m here Min.” He said softly. He could hear Min exhale on the other line.

“Look, some people are going to come talk to you, and you have to defend me, okay? Someone said some shit about me to management and they’re doing an investigation. You’re the next person on their list and I need you to back me up.”

“Min I don’t know-”

“I’m your boyfriend Changkyun,” Min cut him off and Changkyun tried to bite back a whimper. “You have to defend me. You have to.”

“I’ll…”

“I swear to god Changkyun if you tell them some crap about how I hurt you, I’m going to kill you,” Min growled and Changkyun went white. It wasn’t an empty threat, and the younger boy knew it. “I’m counting on you babe. I need you to defend me so I don’t get kicked out of the company or… or arrested. I’ve worked too damn hard to have everything thrown away because someone decided they didn’t like how I worked.”

“Of course Min,” Changkyun whispered, sounding as defeated as he felt. He could sense the glares from his members burning into his hand, where his phone was resting. “Of course I’ll defend you… I love you…”

“You better.” He snapped before hanging up. Changkyun took a shaky breath and locked his phone, placing it gently on the table. The others stared at him in various levels of horror and fury. They couldn’t believe their own ears. Their Changkyun had been so beaten down, and in just that short conversation the true extent of that damage started to show through.

“Changkyun, you cannot defend that man.” Hoseok said, taking a step towards the smaller boy as if approaching a wounded animal.

“I have to,” His voice shook, the only part of him showing any sort of weakness. “You heard him… he’ll kill me…”

“Over our dead bodies.” Jooheon growled, sounding deadly serious.

“He won’t be able to come within a mile of you.” Hyunwoo cracked his knuckles and smirked and Changkyun felt - for the first time – scared of his leader.

“What am I going to do?” He whispered, genuinely torn. As much as he wanted to defend Min – he was Changkyun’s boyfriend after all. Despite everything that he did to the younger boy, there was still that bond there – that connection that made Changkyun hesitate. On the other hand, he was more than aware how toxic Min was for him, and he knew this was the universe’s way of giving him a chance to escape cleanly.

“You do what’s right,” Hyungwon spoke up suddenly. “You’re going to tell them the truth when they come here and expose that piece of shit for everything he is.”

“What if he finds out?”

“By then, he’ll be long gone,” Minhyuk reasoned calmly. A small part of Changkyun marveled how the elder vocalist was the one being the voice of reason when normally he was the one coming up with the most ridiculous suggestions. “When you testify, they’ll see the abuse and arrest him. There’s no way he’s going to get away with this.”

Before Changkyun could answer, there was a knock at the front door. Everyone froze, not sure what to think. The only real options where it was either the people to talk to Changkyun or Min himself there to make sure his boyfriend said what he wanted him to. Changkyun was the first to move, rushing to the door and throwing it open before anyone could breathe.

“Changkyun,” It was Min’s roommate – the one that he kicked out the night he went to the dorm. “Thank god I made it here before he did.”

“Holy shit what happened to you?” Changkyun whispered in horror as he ushered the boy into the dorm. He was a wreck, his hair clotted with blood and a nasty gash on his temple that was already browning and crusty. His left eye was swollen and he was cradling his arm carefully.

“Min wasn’t happy when I went to the management about him,” He said roughly, his voice sounding scratchy – as if he had been yelling. “I needed- I needed to get here before him… when the uppers came to the dorm to question him no one really knew what was happening. He came to the room as soon as they left. He knew it was me… god I wanted to help you that night I swear I did… I was just so scared. I knew what he was going to do but I was… I’m not even going to ask for forgiveness because what I did was unforgivable but fuck… I was so scared…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Changkyun pulled the other boy into the kitchen, where Kihyun instantly went into mother mode by fussing over his injuries and ordering the members around, telling them to get this and that to care for his wounds. “I don’t blame you. I’m sorry you got caught up in all this…”

“You’re sorry for me?” He said incredulously. “The second Min mentioned meeting someone I was scared. I knew what kind of guy he was from the start. He used people as a stepping stone from day one… I knew you were just going to be another pawn.”

“This is going to sting, I’m sorry.” Kihyun said softly as he started to dab at the boy’s head. To the boy’s credit, he barely flinched as the cloth came in contact with the wound. Kihyun worked in silence as the group gathered their thoughts.

Another phone rang and everyone jumped. Minhyuk brought a hand to his chest and groaned as Hyunwoo answered the call.

“My heart can’t take much more of this,” He grumbled and the comment make Changkyun smile a little. “I’m getting too old for this.”

“You’re getting too old?” Hoseok scoffed as he handed the boy a cup of tea. He had a habit of making warm drink when things got stressful. He said early on that his mother would do the same for him when he was worried or scared, and that the warmth brought him comfort. “Look at me, I’m going to have grey hair for our debut.”

“Oh my god… our debut…” Changkyun felt his world crashing down around him. He had lost track of time, so focused on waking up and surviving day to day. He suddenly couldn’t remember what day it was – when the last time he had been to practice was due to his injuries, when the last time he went to vocal training was – and the room started to spin.

“Changkyun, you need to breathe okay?” Kihyun’s voice floated through his panic.

“How… how could I…?”

“Baby, you’ve had so much on your mind,” Jooheon brought Changkyun into another hug. He wondered quickly if the younger boy was really okay with so much touching and contact after everything that happened but when the maknae didn’t pull away Jooheon took is as a good sign. “But it’s going to be okay. As soon as this all blows over, we can catch everyone up and we’ll debut better than ever.”

“But what if it’s too late?” Changkyun whispered. “What if Starship doesn’t want to push our debut back because I made bad choices and they just drop us entirely? It would be all my fault.”

“First of all, none of this is your fault. None of us could have seen this happening,” Jooheon said firmly but as gently as possible. He knew how fragile Changkyun was, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt the boy even more. “Secondly, we have a fan base, remember? Think of the riots that would break out if we didn’t debut after everything that’s happened. There’s no way they’ll drop us if they want to keep their heads.”

“I guess you’re right…” Changkyun muttered, and Jooheon knew he made it through to the boy. Back at the beginning, when Changkyun was first opening up about his issues, he would never agree when one of the members would make a valid point. Instead he would grumble something under his breath about how he ‘guessed they were right or whatever’ which the others quickly learned to mean he was compromising with the voice in his head.

“That was the manager,” Hyunwoo came back into the kitchen looking almost calm. “He wanted to make sure Changkyun was still here. He said he’s sending security over to watch the dorm until morning and that we’ll be escorted to talk to someone in the morning. He also asked about you, Mickey. I told him you were safe and that you would be staying with us at least for the night.”

The boy – Mickey, Changkyun realized he was never properly introduced – looked up at the sound of his name and gave a pained smile.

“Sorry for intruding,” He said, sounding a little stronger. “I just… had to make sure I got here first.” He looked at his hands and a tense silence fell over the kitchen.

“I’ll make up a bed on the couch.” Kihyun said suddenly, standing and speed walking out of the small room. Seven pairs of eyes watched him go.

“I’ll help him.” Minhyuk followed, almost as if he was running away from the tension.

“Come on, we should all get some sleep if possible,” Hyunwoo spoke up again, drawing the remaining trainee’s attention to him. “Tomorrow is going to be… long.”

“Changkyun, sleep with me?” Jooheon asked carefully, not wanting to smother the other boy but at the same time, the thought of the younger rapper being more than an inch away from him caused his chest to burn and his eyes to water.

“Please?” Changkyun took the other rapper’s hand in his own and Jooheon felt himself smile for the first time that evening.

“Come on kid.” Jooheon tugged him towards their room. They passed Minhyuk and Kihyun, who were talking to each other in hushed, hurried words and closed the door behind them Changkyun looked around the room. Everything was exactly where it had been left, so why did it seem so different? He looked at his bunk – the sheets still messed up and a dent in his pillow – and wondered what past Changkyun, the Changkyun that stared at the ceiling for the first time thinking about how he was going to fit in with the new members, would think about this whole situation.

“Hyung?” he whispered when he settled next to Jooheon. His back was pressed against the elder’s chest, Jooheon’s arms draped around his waist carefully.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think he’s going to kill me?” He asked honestly, and the question made Jooheon’s blood run cold.

“No, he’s never going to get the chance to touch you ever again,” He swore firmly, tightening his arms around the other boy. “I swear on my life Changkyun, I’m never going to let anyone hurt you like that again.”

“What if I deserved it?” His whispers seemed to soften even more. “I mean, I saw the signs but I looked past them because I wanted him to love me… I could have run months ago but he’s my boyfriend I felt… obligated I guess… What if I deserved everything he did to me?”

“You… you are one of the most selfless people I know,” Jooheon started shakily. “You’re kind and caring… and scared. But that doesn’t mean you deserve to be taken advantage of and beaten and… god I don’t even want to think about what else he could have done to you…”

“I’m so fucked up… I let him do such awful things to me,” Changkyun’s voice was started to get choked up. “No matter what I say tomorrow, it’s going to boil down to me consenting to everything he did… it doesn’t matter that I didn’t- all that matters is that in the end I said yes…”

“Changkyun, saying yes because you’re afraid of being hurt isn’t consenting. It’s self-preservation and I’m – fuck – I’m so sorry you ever found yourself in that situation…”

“I’m scared hyung. What if I freeze? Or I say the wrong thing?”

“You won’t be alone,” Jooheon placed a gentle, barely there kiss to the back of Changkyun’s neck. “I’ll be right there the whole time. Even if they don’t want me there, I’ll make such a fuss that they have to let me in. I’m not letting my Changkyunnie go through this alone.”

“Your Changkyunnie…” The younger rapper whispered, tasting the words on his tongue.

“What?”

“Ah, nothing hyung,” He said quickly before snuggling in closer. “I just said goodnight, and thank you. For everything.”

“I’d do anything for you Changkyun.” Jooheon said, and Changkyun knew with complete certainly that the elder rapper was telling the absolute, non-exaggerated truth – and that realization comforted the boy more than he thought possible.

* * *

  
“Mickey was taken to the hospital this morning to test for a concussion and treat any internal wounds,” Their manager explained to the five gathered boys. “I’ll update you as soon as I can. All I know is that Min hasn’t been seen since last night.”

“What about Changkyun?” Hyungwon stopped bouncing his foot just long enough to lurch forward before returning to his actions.

“He’s in talking to the police now. I don’t think there’s going to be an issue with his testimony but I need you guys to keep an eye out for him, okay? It’s going to be… rough, to say the least. The kid’s been through a lot the past few months and it’s going to take even longer for him to heal – physically and emotionally. I talked to the uppers and they said they can push your debut as long as you need to make sure Changkyun is healed. They even offered therapy but knowing the kid, he’s not going to want to go…”

“We’ll take care of him,” Hyunwoo promised solemnly. “No matter what.”

“I’ll leave it to you then,” Their manager said regretfully. “I have three different meetings today and I’m already late to one. I just wanted to make sure Changkyun was okay before I left but…”

“Go hyung, we’ll take it from here.” Hyunwoo gave their manager a reassuring smile and the man bowed before all but running from the hall.

That morning had been hectic to say the least. When Kihyun went to take Changkyun and saw the top bunk empty, he instantly started panicking. It wasn’t until he looked over and saw the maknae tightly wrapped in Jooheon’s arms, both boys hidden within their own limbs and the blanket so the elder could barely make out who was who, that he managed to calm his breathing. The security escorted them to the building, where Mickey was taken by paramedics and the others were brought to a small waiting room. Changkyun was called in shortly after, and as predicted they didn’t want Jooheon following at first, but once Changkyun started to tear up they quickly changed their minds and let the two boys go in together.

It had been almost two hours since they went to talk with the police and the uppers of Starship, and there was still no word on how they were doing. Minhyuk had tried listening at the crack of the door, but the room seemed to be soundproof.

“I’m going to get some coffee and lunch from the café,” Hoseok stood suddenly, cracking his back loudly. “I know Changkyun is going to be freaking out when their done, and freaking out on an empty stomach isn’t the best idea. Plus, none of us have eaten either. We need to be able to focus on our maknae.”

“I’ll go with you,” Hyungwon stood, his lanky limbs cracking from sitting in one position for two hours. “I’m going to go crazy if I don’t move.”

“Are you sure you should leave?” Minhyuk asked timidly. He had been quiet all morning. “What if he comes out and you’re not here…”

“We’ll be right back,” Hoseok promised. “And if he gets out before we’re back, you can meet us in the café. I’m sure a bit of normalcy right now will be appreciated…”

“Keep your phone on you,” Hyunwoo said as they started towards the elevator. “We’ll text you with any updates.”  
Hoseok shot his leader a thumbs up as he and Hyungwon made their way to the shiny metal doors. They only had to wait a few moments before the doors opened and they entered, but they could feel the tension behind them growing until the doors were tightly shut behind them.

“Changkyun’s going to be okay, right?” Hyungwon said quietly, and Hoseok remembered that the other boy was technically part of the maknae line. He was just a kid, like Jooheon and Changkyun. Like all of them, if he was being honest. They were all just kids.

“He’s a tough kid,” Hoseok choked back his own negative thoughts. He had to comfort Hyungwon first and have a breakdown second. “He’ll pull through. Plus, he’s got all of us to take care of him.”

“I’m just… hyung what if this fucked him up for good? We were just starting to make progress with his anxiety and stuff and now… what if he never goes back to the way he was?”

“Hyungwon…” Hoseok didn’t know what to say. Hyungwon’s fears were valid. After that much abuse and trauma, there’s always a chance that the person could be permanently changed from the experience. “Even if… even if Changkyun is different, we’re still going to love him and take care of him. He’s still out maknae, and nothing is going to change that. I can’t lie and promise everything is going to be perfect but I really do think he’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah, you’re right… I just-” Hyungwon was cut off by someone running into him. The person pulled their hood over their face more as they tried to hurry away but they ended up tripping over Hosoek’s foot and sprawling onto the floor with a painful sounding thump.

“Hey are you alright?” Hoseok offered the person his hand, only to freeze when he saw who was looking up at him.

“Don’t touch me.” Min growled as he tried to scramble to his feet. Hoseok’s blood roared in his ears and before he knew what he was doing, the vocalist picked the boy up by the front of his sweatshirt and held him so his toes were barely touching the floor.

“Hyung-” Hyungwon said in warning, the security already making their way over to them.

“You ASSHOLE!” He screamed, throwing Min into the nearest wall. Hyungwon tried to hold his friend back but Hoseok easily brushed him aside. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.”

He managed two solid punches to Min’s face before the security ripped him away and detained the other trainee. Hoseok was panting, his voice gone from screaming but he kept struggling. Every fiber of his being craved the feeling of Min’s face crumpling below his fists, the satisfaction of seeing his blood spill in retaliation for everything he had done to Changkyun.

“Hoseok! Calm down!” Hyungwon yelled, his voice finally breaking through to the elder vocalist. Hoseok turned to his friend and saw a look on the model’s face that he never, ever wanted someone close to him to feel.

Hoseok could see the fear in Hyungwon’s eyes, and he knew it was because of him.

“Where’s Changkyun?” He asked, finally feeling the throbbing in his knuckles.

“He’s with the others,” Hyungwon said softly, the fear fading once he knew Hoseok was calming down. “The police are making sure no one gets near them.”

“Thank god…” Hoseok sighed, his body feeling ready to collapse.

“Come on hyung, we should…” Hyungwon’s voice faded and for the first time since exiting the elevator Hoseok took a good look at his friend. The taller boy’s face was pale, his eyes glassy and his lips trembling. Hoseok could tell the younger boy was trying to keep himself together and was failing miserably. “We should get food for Changkyun.”

“Yeah, you’re right Wonnie,” Hoseok said softly, taking the younger boy’s hand carefully. He didn’t miss how Hyungwon leaned into the touch instantly. “Let’s get some food and get back to them as fast as we can, okay?”

“Okay.” Hyungwon sniffled and started towards the café, his hand never leaving Hoseok’s.

* * *

  
“Thank you for speaking with us,” The broad officer across from Changkyun and Jooheon said warmly. “I’m so sorry you had to endure such awful things, but with your testimony we can confidently say we have enough evidence.”

“Thank you officer,” Jooheon spoke for Changkyun, whose throat was sore from speaking for almost two hours straight. “It’ll mean a lot to us to see that bastard thrown in jail.”

“I’ll let you boys get back to your friends. I’m sure they’re worried sick.” The officer stood and clicked off the small recorder he had on the table. Changkyun and Jooheon stood, bowing slightly before heading towards the door.

“Changkyun!” Hyunwoo noticed the door opening first. The rest of the members shot upright, waiting with baited breath as the two youngest exited the room. Changkyun looked exhausted, but his eyes seemed to hold a new kind of confidence that hadn’t been there before.

“Where are Hoseok hyung and Hyungwon hyung?” Changkyun noticed the missing boys instantly. Jooheon looked around, as if just noticing himself.

“They went to get something for everyone to eat,” Kihyun said with a small smile. “They should be back soon. If you want something specific, I’d text them now.”

“I’m really not that hungry, so whatever they bring will be fine-”

“There he is!” The security guard that had escorted them burst through the stairwell entrance and made a beeline to the youngest. He spoke into his earpiece as soon as he was within reaching distance of Changkyun. “He’s safe. Is the suspect taken care of?”

“What’s going on?” Changkyun’s voice shook. Jooheon instantly reached over and linked their fingers together, feeling a spark in his chest when the younger boy instantly relaxed into his touch. They looked to the guard with scared eyes.

“Min was arrested down on the second floor just now,” He said, eyes scanning the room just in case the boy in custody managed to escape and make his way up to them. “He’s in the police’s hands now, but I wanted to make sure you were safe until he was taken away.”

“Oh my god…” Changkyun felt his blood run cold. The person who had caused everything had been right below his feet. He had been right there in the building, and Changkyun knew he had been on his way to find the younger boy. Changkyun felt sick to his stomach.

“Though…” The guard smirked a little and everyone looked at him curiously. Why was he smirking in a situation like this? “Apparently your friend – the muscular one? He got a few good hits in before the police showed up.”

“Ah, that’s my hyung.” Jooheon grinned and like that the tension in the air broke. Even Changkyun found himself smiling along.

“I’m just going to hang around until we know he’s at the police station, and even then you’ll see me around until he’s behind bars.” The guard said, turning the tone a little more serious again. Hyunwoo turned and gave the man a deep bow.

“Thank you so much for everything you’re doing for our Changkyun,” He said, emotion choking him up. “We- it means a lot to us that you’re working so hard to keep him safe.”

“I’m going to be honest with you kids,” The guard said, sounding much older than he was. “My little sister… she would have been around your ages, maybe a little older. She was killed by her boyfriend and none of even knew he was abusing her. When I heard about this case I knew I had to take it. I swear on my life that nothing will harm you Changkyun.”

“Thank you hyung,” Changkyun bowed deeply towards the man, his chest tight with what he had said. “Thank you for caring.”

“Hey everyone! We got snacks!” Hoseok’s voice broke through the serious atmosphere. He and Hyungwon were carrying several bags stuffed with different boxes and balancing drinks as they grinned at the rest of the band.

“Hoseok hyung might have broken his knuckles but he paid for the food.” Hyungwon grinned, his cheeks puffing up with the motion.

“We heard.” Hyunwoo grinned back as he helped relieve the two boys of their burdens.

“Just don’t do it again,” Kihyun grumbled, taking a boxed sandwich. “It’s bad enough you have a short temper. It’ll be bad publicity if you go around punching everyone.”

“Aw, hyung’s just a big old softy!” Minhyuk sang as he draped himself over Hoseok’s shoulders.

“A big old softy that could pop your head like a pimple.” Hoseok laughed, enjoying the contact with the other vocalist.

“Ya, you’re all so loud,” Jooheon grumbled as he handed Changkyun more than his share of the food. “Eat up Changkyunnie, you look pale. We can go back to the dorms once we clean up, okay? You probably want to sleep after all that. I know I do.”

“Thank you hyung,” Changkyun said softly, sitting next to the other rapper. “For sitting in there with me and for being by my side through everything.”

“I’d do anything for you Changkyun,” He said without hesitation. “I love you… I have for a long time, even if I’m shit at showing it sometimes.”

“You’re not shit at showing it hyung,” Changkyun rested his head on Jooheon’s shoulder as he took a bite of his sandwich. “I love you too.”

“Less love confessions and more eating,” Jooheon said through his blush, unable to chew away the grin tugging at his lips. “I want to make sure you’re taken care of. Forever. Which means you’re going to have to get used to me hovering like some sort of paranoid parent for the rest of your life.”

“Sounds good hyung.” Changkyun said with a hint of a laugh.

“Good, glad there’s no arguments.”

“Never hyung.”

“Brat…”

“Love you Jooheon.”

“Love you more Changkyun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have a serious question. I'm considering doing a rewrite, where basically I split this into two different fics - one where Changkyun deals with his anxiety like the first chapter, and a completely different one with the abusive relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about the two plots together. Re-reading the chapters, I genuinely can't tell if it feels forced or awkward. When I write it flows but I can't tell if reading feels different.  
> Mainly my question is "Do you think the story flows well?" because I need someone who isn't me to look at this and tell me how it reads. 
> 
> Other than that, there's going to be one more chapter - an epilogue of sorts to show how Changkyun and the others are dealing with everything that happened. I don't know when it's going to be out but I'm almost 10% sure it's going to be the last one. I think one more to wrap things up will be nice, don't you?
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading and supporting this! I like to take overused concepts and try to rework them into something new, or create a new perspective on something that's well known so writing this was pretty fun. Especially the beginning part with how everyone handled No. Mercy. I hope to be back with another ridiculously angsty hurt/comfort fic soon, so keep an eye out!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE: I went back and added some more to the previous chapters. I hope these new parts make the story flow a little better, and if not let me know and I'm more than willing to go back and edit it again. In fact, if anyone has any suggestions for scenes to make it flow, let me know and I'll definitely try to add it!
> 
> So yeah, go back and read from the beginning before reading the final chapter because I added to a few of the chapters.
> 
> Also, I'm aware that the formatting is weird. I don't know why it's doing this. I tried for like half an hour to make it like the other chapters but it just looked wrong so this is as good as I'm going to get it for whatever reason. Sorry about this.

_“You fucked up. You’re supposed to be an idol and you can’t even do this right,”_ The voice whispered to Changkyun as he bit back tears. _“You embarrassed everyone on stage in front of thousands of people. You’re never going to live this down. What happened to those years in America? You suddenly can’t speak English? You made a fool of yourself and ruined the name Monsta X-”_

“Changkyun, are you alright?” Hyungwon saw the tears in the boy’s eyes and instantly knew something was wrong. He also knew it had something to do with his little slip up on stage, but no one was mad at him. In fact, he thought the boy’s reaction was adorable – how he got all flustered and embarrassed even though English isn’t his first language. 

“I fucked up hyung…” Changkyun’s voice shook. “Oh god everyone was filming… every Monbebe in the world is going to see the clip…”

                “Are you upset about saying sex on stage?” he clarified and Changkyun nodded in horror.

                “Oh god I fucked up…” The tears started rolling down his face. Hyungwon felt his heart break at the sight. Despite the years they worked together with their maknae to help him with his anxiety and insecurities, they’ve never been able to completely erase them. There was always a small part of Changkyun that thought he wasn’t good enough.

                They noticed it normally came out in the winter and as they prepared for a comeback. The youngest would push himself harder and harder until he collapsed, and his members would have to carry him back and make sure he ate properly when he woke up.               

                Part of Hyungwon also knew the little part of Changkyun that would never truly accept their love was stained on the boy’s mind because of Min – who was in still in jail for what he did to the boy. No amount of trying to convince the boy made any difference. Even then, years after everything happened, they knew that Changkyun still partially blamed himself.

                “Kyunnie, no one thinks you fucked up,” Hyungwon started playing with the boy’s hair despite it being damp from sweat. They learned early on that Changkyun calmed down quickest when someone was playing with his hair. “It was kinda cute how flustered you got. The Monbebes are going to think the same thing. They love you Kyunnie. They think everything you do is cute.”

                “I’m sorry hyung.” Changkyun said through his tears. Hyungwon wanted to tell him there was nothing to be sorry for, but the vocalist knew that saying something like that would just make Changkyun spiral even more. He let the boy cry and apologize, waving away the staff who came over to see what was happening. He made eye contact with Hyunwoo, who knew to keep his distance in times like that.

                “Hey, let’s go back to the hotel,” Hyungwon offered after a few moments. Changkyun sniffled pitifully. “I heard the manager say something about ordering whatever we want from room service, and I think we should take him up on that offer.” He grinned mischievously at Changkyun, who was able to smile back slightly.

                “Do you think they have chocolate cake?” He asked, hiccupping a little.

                “If they don’t, I’ll personally go down to the kitchen and make one for you.”

                “But you can’t cook to save your life.” Changkyun chuckled, a little bit of life returning to his voice and eyes.

                “I’ll make Kihyun hyung personally go down to the kitchen and make you one.” Hyungwon corrected himself. Changkyun laughed, his tears forgotten.

                “He would too,” the younger boy said with a chuckle. “And then we would get kicked out of the hotel. Again.”

                “Look, the last time wasn’t our fault.” Hyungwon jumped to their defense.

                “Tell that to our managers.” Changkyun shook his head.

                “Come on, I saw the others walking towards the van already.” Hyungwon took his hand and led him away from the stage that had made him cry and towards the others.

* * *

  
                Jooheon and Changkyun never really talked about their relationship. They were close – as the only two rappers it was obvious that they would become best friends. After everything that happened before debut, they fell into a comfortable friendship. They never really talked about the kiss, which is something Jooheon wasn’t happy about. Even if Changkyun would reject him, it would be better than having it hang over his head.

                Jooheon was there when Changkyun went on a date, two years after his last one. He had gone to pick him up an hour into the date when Changkyun had a panic attack in the bathroom.

                Jooheon had been there when Changkyun had nightmares.

                Jooheon had been there when Changkyun admitted he wanted to get help and when Changkyun finally was able to smile again.

                Jooheon wasn’t there when Changkyun relapsed for the first time after the night Min was arrested, and he regretted it every single day.

                _He had been working late, writing a rap – a personal project he had been dreaming up for a while. When the clock stuck midnight he realized how heavy his eyes felt and saved what he was working on before sleepily turning off the computer and heading out the door._

_Knowing his hyungs, and knowing their schedule, he knew everyone was going to be fast asleep by the time he snuck back in. He tried to be as quiet as possible as he toed off his sneakers and inched to the bathroom. Surprisingly, however, the door was shut and there was light spilling out from underneath._

_“Hello?” He knocked carefully, not wanting to wake the others. He heard a panicked gasp and shuffling, and he felt his heart sink. “Wait, Changkyun?”_

_“Go- go away hyung.” Changkyun’s voice came bake and Jooheon knew something was wrong._

_“Let me in Kyunnie,” He said softly. “Something’s wrong.”_

_“I’m fine.” He certainly didn’t sound fine._

_“Changkyun please,” Jooheon was scared. He knew Changkyun had been fighting extra hard recently, but he prayed the younger boy had_ n’t _given into his thoughts._ “ _I won’t be upset, I promise. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”_

_“I’m not alright hyung…” The lock clicked open and all the exhaustion weighing Jooheon down instantly disappeared._

_Changkyun was a mess. His hair was sticking up in every direction as if he had been trying to rip it out. His eyes were red and swollen, the whites bloodshot and tear tracks tacky on red cheeks. His bottom lip was puffy and scabbing over from where he ripped the skin with his teeth. What scared Jooheon the most was the smell of metal coming from the younger boy. His eyes went instantly to Changkyun’s thigh, which was stained red. The older rapper could see the fresh cuts lining his leg, the skin puffy but no longer bleeding._

_“Oh Changkyun…” Jooheon pulled the younger boy into hug, which Changkyun instantly melted into the embrace. “What happened?”_

_“I just… the thoughts got so fucking loud…” Changkyun spat, and Jooheon winced a little at the curse. “It’s been a whole year today that Min got arrested but it feels like he’s going to call me any second and demand to see me and… I can feel him hyung. I can still feel his hands on me and it hurts and this damned voice won’t shut up. It keeps telling me that I deserved it. That I asked for him to hurt me and that no matter what… the next relationship I’m going to be in is going to be the same.”_

_“No one is going to be allowed to treat you like that ever again,” Jooheon comforted his friend. “Your hyungs will protect you with their lives.”_

_“Why?” Changkyun whimpered, fat tears rolling down his cheeks again. “Why me? Why did he have to hurt me?”_

_“I don’t know…” Jooheon was at a loss. He just wanted to make his friend feel better, but he didn’t have an answer to the questions Changkyun was asking._

_“It hurts hyung…” Changkyun buried his face in Jooheon’s chest and let the older rapper rub his back._

_“Let’s take care of your leg, then we can go to bed okay?” Jooheon whispered. He waited until he felt Changkyun nod before letting him go. He guided Changkyun to sit on the toilet seat and wet a washcloth with warm water. He carefully wiped the other boy’s leg until there was no more red staining his skin before bandaging the cuts like he had done so many times in the past._

_“I’m sorry hyung,” Changkyun said softly as Jooheon carried him to their room. Minhyuk was fast asleep, his light snores filling the otherwise silent room. “You’re probably disappointed in me now…”_

_“Oh Changkyun… I could never be disappointed in you.” Jooheon said fondly as he pulled the maknae into his chest._

_“I’m sorry I relapsed.”_

_“It’s alright love. Sometimes it gets too hard… I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” The guilt was getting harder and harder to push aside – harder to ignore the pain eating way at his heart. “I’ve been spending too much time in the practice rooms… I promise I’ll be around more for you.”_

_“You don’t have to apologize hyung,” Changkyun nuzzled his face into Jooheon’s chest. “I know you’re working hard. I’m really proud of you.”_

_“Go to sleep Changkyun,” He smiled into Changkyun’s hair. “You deserve some rest.”_

_“Goodnight hyung.” His body instantly relaxed and Jooheon could feel him fall asleep._

_“Goodnight Kyunnie.”_

                After that night, Jooheon paid closer attention to the maknae. He made a point to invite Changkyun to go to the studio with him and to go to lunch with him at any given opportunity. He was able to watch the younger rapper gain more confidence through the years.

                “Hyung?” Changkyun called him over.

                “What’s up bro?” Jooheon plopped down on the couch next to the maknae.

                “Can I ask something weird?”

                “We’ve been best friends for years. I don’t think there’s anything you could ask that could be considered weird. Especially after we had that conversation about kinks a while back-”

                “Hyuuuung,” Changkyun whined, and rightfully so. They made a pact not to talk about that night in case one of the other members overheard and made them explain. The things they learned about each other that night would go with them to the grave. “I just… why did you kiss me that night?”

                “Oh…” Jooheon was shocked. He wasn’t even sure if Changkyun remembered that night. He knew the younger boy had blocked out a few memories from that time, and since he never mentioned it after he just assumed the younger had forgotten. “Why all of a sudden?”

                “I had a dream last night… where you kissed me and it made me think of that. I just, ah- this is weird to ask…” Changkyun rubbed his head awkwardly.

                “Because I love you. I loved you then and I love you now. I wanted to show that it’s possible for someone to care about you without them wanting to hurt you… and I still try to do that.”

                “Did you ever like me… romantically?”

                “I did, for a while. I don’t know if I do anymore… it’s been so long that all my feelings for you kind of blended together, if that makes any sense.”

                “I think it does,” Changkyun said after a moment of silence. “I kinda feel the same way.”

                “You liked me too?”

                “You were the first guy I ever had a crush on,” Changkyun gave the other rapper a lopsided grin and laughed at Jooheon’s shocked expression. Jooheon knew the younger boy liked him, but he never knew he was the first. “You’re the reason I realized I was bi.”

                “Shit man…” Jooheon didn’t know how to feel about this information.

                “Hey, that was years ago,” Changkyun lightly punched his shoulder. “It’s whatever now.”

                “Yeah…” But Jooheon’s mind was racing. After what happened, he had pushed his feelings aside to focus on helping Changkyun heal. After a while, his feelings for the other boy faded from romantic into something more binding and wholesome.

                “Ya, don’t look so serious,” Changkyun clicked his tongue at the other boy. “Come on, I want ice cream.”

                Changkyun stood and walked towards the door, not looking back to see if Jooheon was following because he knew the other rapper was close behind.

* * *

 

                Minhyuk watched Changkyun laugh at the movie. The seven of them crowded into the living room, letting Hyunwoo pick the movie that time. It was some dumb comedy that their leader had been wanting to watch for a while, but they had been so busy that they hadn’t had the time.

                The older vocalist didn’t know what joke had been said in the movie. He had been too busy watching their maknae’s face light up. Though it had been a years, seeing Changkyun smile still made his chest flutter a little.

                “Hyung, you’re staring again.” Hyungwon commented lightly. Minhyuk felt his ears burn as he slowly let his eyes shifted from the grinning maknae to the grinning vocalist.

                “I wasn’t staring.” He grumbled, looking away with a frown.

                “It’s alright, I like his smile too.” Hyungwon’s shit eating grin faded to something softer.

                “Minhyuk hyung, are you alright? Your face is kinda red…” Changkyun’s voice caught his attention.

                “He’s fine,” Hyungwon smirked. “He’s just a little warm.”

                “Wanna go for a walk with me?” Changkyun offered instantly. “The movie’s almost over and we didn’t make anything for dinner so I was going to run and get something from the convenience store.”

                “Yeah, sounds good.” Minhyuk said as casually as possible despite his face burning from Hyungwon calling him out.

                “Cool, give me like ten minutes to finish the movie.” Changkyun smiled and Minhyuk’s chest fluttered again.

                It wasn’t in a romantic way, Minhyuk knew already. He had considered it, sure, but the feeling was more like when he saw a dog when they went on walks or when he was able to eat something warm on a cold day. The feeling Changkyun gave him was one of being home – of being safe. For a while after Min was arrested, Minhyuk was genuinely afraid for the youngest member. Changkyun had shut down, and when the elder vocalist overheard Hyunwoo and Jooheon talking about the maknae’s self-harming problem, Minhyuk’s mind started racing.

                He couldn’t stop picturing his maknae, pale and bleeding out in the bathroom. He tried to keep Changkyun occupied as much as possible, hoping to keep his mind off the voice and the bad thoughts that were no doubt plaguing the younger boy. He lost countless nights lying awake, too afraid to sleep and face the nightmares that he knew waited for him.

                When Changkyun started smiling again, Minhyuk found it easier to breathe. When Changkyun became more open with them again, Minhyuk found himself able to sleep again.

                The movie ended with a sappy wedding, just like Hoseok predicted before the characters were all introduced. Just as the credits started rolling, Changkyun stood and stretched, his back cracking in several places. He let out a loud groan that caused the others to chuckle. As dancers, every single one of them knew what it was like to have every bone in their body crack when they stood up.

                “Come on hyung, we can’t take too long or Hyungwon hyung will throw a fit.” Changkyun snickered and he slipped on his sneakers. Across the dorm, Minhyuk heard Hyungwon protest faintly as he slipped his own shoes on.

                “What did you think of the movie Changkyunnie?” Minhyuk asked casually.

                “I think it’s definitely something Hyunwoo hyung picked out,” Changkyun chuckled. “The jokes were right up his alley.”

                “To be honest I didn’t even pay attention to the jokes.” Minhyuk commented lightly, but Changkyun was confused.

                “Was the TV to low or something?” He asked innocently and it was Minhyuk’s turn to chuckle. He grinned at the maknae.

                “I was too busy watching you all laugh at it.” He said simply, but something in his voice make the younger boy pause. Changkyun blinked at him for a moment before furrowing his brows.

                “Hyung…”

                “See, I know what happened all those years ago… I know it’s over. He’s gone, and we’ve healed – you’ve healed more than any of us… but I can’t help but have a small part of my mind that’s scared- scared that things will go back to how it was before… with everyone looking so dead and the fear hanging over your head… So even now when I see everyone smiling and laughing I can’t help but try to memorize the way everyone’s laughs sound – the way everyone’s smiles look… because part of me is afraid that one day I won’t be able to see everyone happy…”

                “Hyung, I’m sorry…” Changkyun felt tears prick his eyes and Minhyuk gasped.

                “Why are you sorry?” He stopped and let his hands flutter around Changkyun – fixing the collar of his shirt, smoothing down his hair, anything to comfort the boy.

                “You’d never feel this way if I wasn’t such a stupid kid,” He said bitterly. “If I had listened to Jooheon hyung when he said he got a weird feeling from Min… none of this would have happened. I’m so sorry…”

                “Please,” Minhyuk was horrified. He never wanted Changkyun to blame himself for what happened, even though he knew the youngest still believed he deserved what happened. “Please don’t think this is your fault because it’s not… you had no way of knowing back then. None of us did. That’s why I’m focusing on the good times, because we have no control over the bad times.”

                “Why do I still feel so guilty?” Changkyun whispered and Minhyuk felt his heart shatter.

                “Because you’re a caring, empathetic, wonderful young man Changkyun,” Minhyuk took the younger boy’s hands in his own. “Because you’re so amazing and wonderful and try to give everything and everyone everything you have. If someone takes advantage of that, it isn’t your fault. It’s theirs for trying to hurt someone who just wants to help them.”

                “I’m not amazing or wonderful or any of those things,” Changkyun muttered, unable to meet his hyung’s eyes. “I’m stupid… I always fall for the most obvious pranks, and I fell for Min’s lies without hesitating…”

                “That wasn’t your fault. None of us saw that coming,” Minhyuk argued back, squeezing his hands a little tighter to comfort him. “None of us could have known, but we did know that you would be able to recover and bounce back because that’s just the kind of person you are. You’re resilient and strong. None of the others could even compare to how bull-headed you can be, except maybe Jooheonie.” He chuckled and he could see some of the tension in Changkyun’s shoulders leave at the joke.

                “Hyung is pretty stubborn.” He smiled, and Minhyuk wasn’t as worried. He knew his Changkyunnie was going to be okay. He always was.

                “Come on kid, let’s get some dinner for those ungrateful boys.” Minhyuk grinned wide and Changkyun smiled slyly back.

                “Wouldn’t it be a shame if there were only two of the good ramen left…?” He said with a grin. “And we would have to eat them there before someone else got to them, and that we would have to bring everyone else their food after…”

                “That would be such a shame,” Minhyuk lamented as he bit back a snicker. “We would have to get drinks there too, to wash down said ramen… let’s hope that doesn’t happen.”

                “Yeah, the others would be devastated if we were late with their food.” There was a spark in Changkyun’s eye that filled Minhyuk with pride.

                After everything that had happened – after how beat down and defeated Changkyun had been – there he was, grinning and overflowing with life. Minhyuk was beyond proud of the younger boy, for fighting through everything and coming out even stronger than before. Changkyun was a fighter, and nothing could change that.

               

* * *

 

                Hyunwoo wasn’t the best with emotions, but he would be dammed if one of his kids was upset and he didn’t try to help them.

                He could hear sniffling coming from the room Minhyuk shared with the two rappers and his dad instincts instantly kicked in. He knew Jooheon was at the studio, working on a new rap for their comeback, which left Minhyuk or Changkyun. He knocked gently on the door and called out.

                “Hey, wanna talk for a bit?” he kept his voice low, not wanting to surprise whoever it was. The sniffling came again, and he could hear they were from the top bunk – Changkyun, he realized with a sinking chest.

                “Hyung…” Changkyun’s voice sounded rough.

                “Wanna come down? We can sit on Jooheon’s bed. He won’t mind,” He tried to coax the youngest from his blanket cocoon. After a moment, he thought maybe Changkyun was going to reject his offer, but the blankets started moving and the maknae’s head popped out. He slowly climbed down the ladder and sat on Jooheon’s bed with his legs curled up to his chest. Hyunwoo sat next to him, the dip of the mattress causing Changkyun to fall into Hyunwoo’s side. “What’s up Changkyun?”

                “I don’t know…” the maknae sniffled, staring at the wall. He felt Hyunwoo wrap an arm around him but he didn’t react. “I just… I woke up but I couldn’t move. Even blinking was too much work and I just stared at the wall for a few hours. I don’t know what’s happening… It hurts to move, like there’s cement in my body.”

                “Changkyun, have you ever been tested for depression?” Hyunwoo asked, recognizing the younger boy’s description. Changkyun didn’t say anything, just slowly shook his head. “I know sometimes anxiety and depression go together, and from what you said it sounds like you’re having a depressive dip. Does it feel like there’s a weight on your chest? Is it hard to focus on anything?”

                “Yeah to both.” His voice sounded heavy.

                “Here, let’s see what hyung can do to help.” Hyunwoo loaded Changkyun onto his back and carried the younger to the living room, snagging a blanket from Jooheon’s bed before leaving the room. He let the boy slide off his back and onto the couch, wrapping the blanket around his body carefully. He then went to the kitchen and made two cups of tea and a small plate of leftovers. When he came back to the living room, Changkyun was staring blankly at the black screen of the television, tears running down his cheeks. Hyunwoo felt his chest hurt at the sight.

                He didn’t say anything as he handed Changkyun the mug with extra sugar. The younger boy took it and let the warmth prickle at his skin. Hyunwoo placed the other mug and the plate onto the table before turning on the TV and going through the movie options. He came across a shitty American comedy he remembered loving and put it on.

                They didn’t speak at the movie played. Changkyun slowly sipped at his tea, seeming to perk up a little as the heat seeped into his body. Without saying anything, Hyunwoo took his empty tea mug and replaced it with the plate of leftover. Changkyun hesitated before nibbling at the food, taking almost the whole movie to finish the small plate. Hyunwoo would glance over every few minutes to see that Changkyun was watching the movie – actually able to focus on the plot and the dumb jokes. At one point, he caught Changkyun’s mouth turning up slightly at a particularly bad joke.

                When the credits started to roll, Changkyun rested his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder silently, letting the older vocalist rub his arm comfortingly.

                “Thank you hyung,” He said after a few moments. “I don’t know what you did but I feel better.”

                “I just took care of you,” Hyunwoo smiled down at Changkyun, who scowled lightly at the cheesy answer. “If you’re feeling a little better, would you want to come with me? I have to get groceries for Kihyun. If you want, we can sneak some snacks into the cart.”

                Changkyun was silent for a moment. Hyunwoo could see him struggling, the conflict clear on his face. After a moment, he sighed sadly.

                “I don’t think I can…” he sounded close to tears. “I’m s-sorry hyung.”

                “There’s nothing to apologize for,” Hyunwoo said quickly, wanting to make sure Changkyun knew this wasn’t his fault. “I’ll make you more tea, okay? If you want anything in particular from the store, text me. I’ll be home soon.”

                “Thank you,” Changkyun said so quietly that Hyunwoo almost missed it. He tilted his head to the side, silently asking the younger boy why he was thanking him. Changkyun gave him a half smile. “For being so understanding… hell, I don’t even know what’s happening with me but you get it… and thank you for not pushing me to do stuff… and letting me get out of this funk on my own…”

                “I’d never push you into something you didn’t feel comfortable doing,” Hyunwoo said instantly, then flinched at the connotations of those words. Changkyun didn’t seem to connect his leader’s words to the actions of his ex months previously. “This is something you have to fight, and I’m here to give you a helping hand.”

                “Thank you hyung.” He said again, his smile a little softer and his eyes a little brighter.

                “Here, I know of this really cheesy drama that Hyungwon and Minhyuk finished a little bit ago. I can put that on if you want to watch something mindless while I’m out.” Hyunwoo offered and smiled when Changkyun nodded. He put the show on and placed a soft kiss on the younger boy’s forehead before grabbing the long list Kihyun left for him and headed out the door.

                When he got back, Changkyun hadn’t moved an inch, but Jooheon was sitting on the couch with him, the older rapper’s arm around the younger rapper comfortably. Hyunwoo smiled and went to put the groceries away, glad to know Changkyun had so much support.

* * *

 

                Hoseok grinned. He managed to get a demo version of Seventeen’s new album – courtesy of Jihoon owing him a favor -  and he was excited to show the other. When he threw open the door to the dorm, he was greeted with silence. His grin dropped a little, but he was still excited. He hadn’t even heard it yet, and he was dying to put it on.

                He heard movement coming from the kitchen and he snuck towards the sound. He expected to see Kihyun, but was even happier to see the maknae standing with his back to the vocalist, making something to eat. Hoseok crept forward, a shit eating grin on his face.

                The goal was to make the boy jump a little, and Hoseok was prepared to be smacked for scaring him. What he didn’t expect, however, was for Changkyun to curl in on himself and collapse onto the floor when he grabbed the younger boy’s arm suddenly.

                Hoseok instantly started panicking when he realized Changkyun was crying. He knelt next to the boy and tried to place what was supposed to be a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder, but Changkyun just scampered away from him, his eyes wild with fear.

                “Changkyun, it’s just me,” Hoseok was starting to get scared. Why was Changkyun reacting that way? “It’s Hoseok hyung. I’m sorry for scaring you I just wanted to prank you back after you put salt in my coffee-”

                “Hyung…?” Changkyun’s voice shook, the sound of it cutting Hoseok off. “Oh god… I thought…”

                “You thought…?” Hoseok prompted, hoping to get the younger boy to open up.

                “Fuck, I thought you were Min.” Changkyun whispered in horror, new tears running down his cheeks. Hoseok felt his face go white.

                Though Min had been in jail for months, and though Changkyun had been making strides in recovering, the youngest still had moments where he would seemingly forget where he was and think he was back with the man who abused him. It was scary, seeing someone they cared about revert back into himself and push them away.

                “Oh fuck…” Hoseok realized what had happened, and he felt horrible. Him grabbing Changkyun’s arm triggered a flashback to Min hurting him, and it was all because Hoseok didn’t think through his little prank. “I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you… shit…” He knew he cursed more when he was distressed, and it was a habit he was trying to fix but in that moment nothing matter other than making Changkyun feel better.

                “You didn’t know…” Changkyun’s voice was faint and far away sounding.

                “I shouldn’t have done that,” Hoseok was close to tears. “Do… do you want to talk about it? I don’t know if talking about it will make it better or worse…”

                “I don’t think I can talk about it, but thank you for offering to listen,” Changkyun sounded older than Hoseok, and something in the vocalist broke hearing his maknae sounding so mature and broken. “I just… can we just sit down for a bit?”

                “Of course.” Hoseok instantly agreed, carefully leading Changkyun to the couch. He wanted to wrap the boy in a hug and never let him go, but he knew Changkyun needed space after having a flashback like that.

                “I’m sorry.” Changkyun whispered after a few seconds.

                “Why are you apologizing? I’m the one that fucked up…”

                “I should be better… I shouldn’t still be getting these flashbacks and freaking out over everything…” Changkyun said bitterly, and Hoseok’s chest hurt even more.

                “Kyunnie, you can’t blame yourself… I’m sorry for making you go through that.” Hoseok tried to keep his voice soft, despite the tremors that threatened to break his words.

                “I’m working on it,” The boy sounded like he was trying to hold back tears with every ounce of strength he had. “I swear I’m- I’m working on it… I don’t want to be a burden on you guys anymore… I’m trying to get better, I really am.”

                “Changkyun, you can go at the pace you need. You don’t have to force yourself to get better faster than you can just for us. We want to see you happy, and we’re going to help you every step of the way until you can feel comfortable and happy again.”

                “I feel like such a bother…”

                “You could never be a bother,” Hoseok said firmly. “There is nothing you can do that would bother us. You could kill someone and-”

                “You’d help me hide the body?” Changkyun supplied slyly and Hoseok grinned. “I’ve been told that a few times already, surprisingly.”

                “Well it’s true. You’re our family, and we’ll support you with anything. If it takes a while to get better, or if you wake up tomorrow right as rain. We’ll be here no matter what.”

                “Thank you hyung.” Changkyun sniffled and leaned into Hoseok’s chest. The vocalist wrapped his arms around the boy, who relaxed into the embrace. Changkyun cried silently into Hosoek’s chest for a few minutes, and Hoseok let him get all the toxic emotions out.

                “Hey, I got a surprise,” Hoseok said suddenly, catching Changkyun’s attention. “I was going to wait for everyone to get together but I want to listen to it with you first.”

                “What is it?” His voice was a little stronger. He wiped the tears away and sat up.

                “I got the demo of Seventeen’s new album.” He grinned at the shocked look on Changkyun’s face.

                “How did you get that?” he all but squealed.

                “Let’s just say a little producer owed me a favor.” Hoseok winked but didn’t elaborate, and Changkyun didn’t push it.

                “Well? Put it on!”

* * *

 

                Kihyun frowned at Changkyun, who was picking at his dinner yet again. He thought he was making progress with the boy, especially in the weeks following Min’s arrest, but eating was the one thing Changkyun kept fighting him on, and Kihyun didn’t know why. It was just the two of them, the others having finished their meals ages ago.

                “Changkyunnie, just a few bites?” He tried carefully. “You’re starting to look like a skeleton…”

                “I can’t hyung…” He whispered, looking like he was going to throw up.

                “What do you mean you can’t?” Every night it was the same script. Kihyun was getting frustrated, but not at Changkyun – never at Changkyun. He was getting frustrated at the situation, frustrated that his beloved maknae had to go through such awful things for such a long time.

                “I can’t get fat.” Changkyun said so quietly Kihyun almost missed it. The elder’s stomach dropped. Normally Changkyun just shook his head at Kihyun question and left the kitchen. This was the first time he actually answered.

                “Wh-what do you mean?”

                “I can’t get fat… if I eat I’ll be too fat. We just debuted, and I know there are still fans out there that don’t like me… If I gain weight they’ll just hate me more, and then the stylists will have to let out all my clothing because I’m a fucking pig…”

                Kihyun couldn’t believe his ears. Changkyun had never been fat - as long as the boy had been with them he had been bordering on too thin. He instantly knew who put such vile thoughts in Changkyun’s head and he wanted to scream. He really didn’t have much experience with eating disorders. He knew from Hyungwon that it was mainly in the person’s head, like any other mental illness, but he had no idea how to help the younger boy.

                “Changkyun, rice is good for you and its low in calories,” He tried reasoning with the voice in his head. “If you eat a little now, it’s not going to make you gain weight. It’ll make your stomach stop hurting, and you’ll be able to sleep better, but one meal isn’t going to make you fat.”

                “I have to be perfect…” Changkyun’s eyes were glazing over and Kihyun fought back the panic building in his chest.

                “You are perfect honey,” He said softly. “Hyung is worried about you Changkyunnie. I just want you to be healthy. What would we do without you?”

                “I can’t get f-fat.” He repeated, staring at his plate as if it would explode if he took his eyes off it.

                “You don’t have to eat it all love, just a few bites okay? Just finish the rice? I know you can do it.” Kihyun tried again. He could see Changkyun fighting with his mind, the argument going on inside his mind causing his face to scrunch up.

                Kihyun could have cried when he saw the maknae lift a bite of rice to his mouth. It wasn’t a big bite, but a bite nonetheless. He continued to give the boy praises as he slowly ate the small pile of rice on his plate. When there was a single bite of rice left, Kihyun placed a hand on Changkyun’s shoulder. He didn’t miss how the boy flinched.

                “You don’t have to eat anymore if you don’t want to,” He said warmly and Changkyun instantly dropped his chop sticks. “How are you feeling?”

                “Full,” His voice sounded strange. “Kinda sick.”

                “I know, but I’m so proud of you. You did so well,” Kihyun kissed the top of Changkyun’s head. “Do you want to shower first?”

                Changkyun muttered something before ducking his head down. Kihyun couldn’t hear what he said but he heard the pain in the boy’s voice.

                “What?”

                “I don’t think I should be alone right now,” He repeated a little louder. “I don’t want to disappoint you…”

                “You could never disappoint me.”

                “If I make myself throw up again I would.” Changkyun make eye contact with the older boy for the first time since finishing his food and Kihyun felt light headed.

                It made sense. It explained why Changkyun would disappear to the bathroom after eating. How he managed to keep losing weight despite everyone trying to get him to eat at any given opportunity – why the rapper’s voice was scratchy and rough even after days of rest.

                “Oh Changkyun…” he refused to cry. “You could never disappoint me. I’m just so worried about you… I feel like you’re going to disappear if I look away and that’s scares me. You’re so important to me – to all of us… we thought we were going to lose you back then with… we were so relieved when you started to bounce back from that. I just… I don’t want to watch you kill yourself anymore.”

                “I’m sorry hyung,” Changkyun whispered, closing his eyes tight as if to block out the world around him. “I’m sorry…”

                “Changkyun… have you ever thought about going to talk to someone? Like, a professional?” he offered the idea gently, afraid of scaring Changkyun away.

                “I’ve thought about it,” He admitted, and Kihyun felt his heart soar. “But, if it ever got out to the public that I went to a therapist… there would be trouble. People would think I’m crazy and stop supporting us. I don’t want to be the reason we lose support.”

                “They won’t stop supporting us. Our fans are loyal to a fault… if anything they’ll support us even more because they want to see you recover.”

                “Do you really think they’ll still care about me? Even if they knew I was broken?” His voice cracked and Kihyun pulled him into a tight hug.

                “Of course,” He said firmly. “And anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth our time. I’ll talk to our manager in the morning if you want.”

                “Thank you hyung,” Changkyun smiled for the first time that evening. “I don’t think I’d be able to do it myself without getting scared and running away…”

                “Anything for you Changkyun,” Kihyun smiled back. “Would you want to stay with me tonight? I know I’m not Jooheon, but at least my roommates don’t snore.”

                Changkyun snickered at the obvious dig at Minhyuk and nodded. Kihyun couldn’t help but feel relieved that the youngest was willing to stay with him. He was afraid to leave Changkyun alone after his confession, and having the maknae willingly stay with him made it easier to keep an eye on him overnight.

                “Let’s get some rest. You look exhausted.” Kihyun led him from the kitchen.

* * *

  
                Changkyun felt his world crashing down around him.

                The host of the show they were on said something none of the members thought they would hear – let alone on live television during an interview.

                “Is it true that IM was in an abusive relationship with another male trainee?” he has asked. The room instantly got several degrees colder, and every member of Monsta X felt their faces drain of all color. The host seemed to sense the shift of atmosphere, because he quickly stuttered an apology and moved on to the next question, but the damage had been done.

                Everyone in the audience heard him. Everyone at home watching heard him. Maybe if they had been able to deny the question, things would be fine but they had all froze – a clear sign of guilt. None of them were all that talkative after that.

                The interview ended soon after, the host apologizing profusely to the managers after the boys had all but sprinted off the set. Changkyun was the first to run, unable to hold back the panic that had been growing and growing.

                “Where’s Changkyun?” Hyunwoo demanded, asking every staff member they came across. They all shrugged, unaware of what had happened on the set. “Shit, everyone split up. We have to find him as soon as possible.” The six remaining members ran in different directions, looking in dressing rooms and bathrooms.

                In the end, it was Jooheon that found Changkyun. It had been a total accident. He had tripped running past some unused sets and fell. As he was standing back up, he saw Changkyun’s tear streaked face from behind the set.

                “Oh thank god,” He breathed before rushing to wrap Changkyun in a hug. “We were so worried about you.”

                “Everyone knows…” He whimpered and Jooheon couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going through the younger boy’s mind. “Everyone knows now… I can’t hide it anymore… I finally thought I could escape all of that but no. Even years later it still haunts me.”

                “We’ll protect you,” Jooheon said, shielding the boy from prying eyes with his body. “Anyone who tries to attack you for this will feel the full wrath of Monsta X.”

                “Oh my god, they’re going to come after you guys too…” Changkyun started to shake violently. “They’re going to attack you… it’s going to be all my fault. Our Monbebes are going to hate me… they’re going to hate me hyung…” He was fully sobbing, his panic attack making his mind run faster and faster. Jooheon was at a loss. He just held Changkyun tighter and sent a text to the others, telling them he had found the boy.

                “Changkyun, thank fuck you’re alright.” Hoseok ran up to them and wrapped his arms around both rappers.

                “It’s going to be alright,” Hyunwoo said, trying to wipe Changkyun’s cheeks. “We’re going to be okay.”

                “Someone take his phone.” Someone whispered carefully. Changkyun felt hands on him, and his phone was taken from his back pocket. He tried to protest, but Jooheon and Hoseok still had their arms around him.

                “I’m sorry Changkyun, but the last thing you need right now is to see what’s being said about this.” Hyunwoo really did sound sorry, but that didn’t stop Changkyun from being upset.

                “Let’s get him home,” Hoseok said finally, causing everyone to move again. “He needs to be somewhere safe right now.”

                No one argued. Changkyun barely remembered the ride back to the dorms, his mind swirling with a thousand thoughts a second. The initial panic had faded, and he was left with a painful emptiness in his chest that seemed to gnaw at his lungs with every breath he took.

                “Come one Changkyunnie.” Jooheon broke him from his thoughts and led him inside. Changkyun collapsed onto Jooheon’s bed and instantly curled up into a ball. The older rapper joined him shortly after, wrapping his slightly longer arms around the boy.

                Changkyun could feel his friend fall asleep behind him, Jooheon’s breathing evening out and his arm growing heavier on Changkyun’s waist. When he was sure Jooheon was asleep, Changkyun shuffled until he was within reach of the older rapper’s phone that was plugged in on the side table. He glanced back at Jooheon before carefully using his fingerprint that Jooheon insisted he saved to unlock the phone. He froze, sure the sudden light would take Jooheon, but the older boy just snorted a little in his sleep and rolled over, his arm falling from Changkyun’s waist.

                He signed in relief and searched his name, holding his breath. Instantly, hundreds of things popped up – all about the interview. His stomach sank as he started reading through some of the comments.

                _“The host shouldn’t have said something like that. What happened to IM is IM’s business.”_

_“I can’t believe poor Changkyunnie went through something so horrible! And the host bringing it up didn’t help things… I hope he’s taking care of himself.”_

_“Fag fucking deserved it.”_ Changkyun winced at that one, but saw how the poster had been attacked by Monbebes defending Changkyun and telling them to fuck off for using slurs and for being disrespectful.

                _“I went through the same thing, and I can only hope he’s managed to find a way to recover. Monsta X was my way to recover, and I could never thank them enough.”_

_“I’ll personally fly to Starship and beat up whoever hurt IM.”_ That one made him smile. His fans really were loyal to a fault, in the best way possible.

                _“Changkyun, if you see this know that we love you no matter what. Monbebes will forever have your back, no matter what!”_

_“#WeLoveYouChangkyun”_

_“#WeLoveYouChangkyun is trending! Thank you everyone for your support!”_

_“I wasn’t an MX stan but seeing how much their fans love them and support their maknae, I’m definitely stanning now.”_

_“#WeLoveYouChangkyun from Carats around the world.”_

_“#WeLoveYouChangkyun from Army!”_

_“#WeLoveYouChangkyun from Aroha! IM fighting!”_

_“Starlights support IM! #WeLoveYouChangkyun!”_

_“Love from VIPs. Never stop fighting!”_

Changkyun couldn’t hold back his sobs. He knew there were going to be those who hated him for this just as there were going to be people who supported him, but he never expected so much love from not only his Monbebes, but also other fans.

                “See, they love you as much as we do,” Jooheon’s sleepy voice broke through his sobs. “I’m sorry that this had to happen for you to see it though.”

                “I never thought…” he was at a loss for words.

                “We knew how much you’re loved. We’ve always known,” Jooheon wrapped his arms around Changkyun again. “And now you know too.”

                “I’m going to have to make a statement about this, aren’t I?” He said, dread already building in his gut.

                “Yeah, probably, but you have us to back you up. Plus, we can help you figure out what you want to say. You’re not alone in this.”

                “Thank you hyung.” Changkyun felt tears prickling his eyes again, but they weren’t sad tears.

“Thank you Changkyunnie, for being you and letting us love you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is definitely the longest chapter. I tried to make one section for each member comforting Changkyun with the after affects of everything, and the last part the Monbebes comforting him because we're important to the boys.
> 
> On another note, the part with Jooheon might seem a little weird, but I was basing it off how my own friendship worked. I thought i had a crush on her for a while, but since we were best friends things sort of blended together into the kind of friendship IM and Jooheon have. I don't know if it makes sense, but it made sense to me haha 
> 
> This is the end of this fic, finally. I know it took a while but that's because my cat spilled water all over my laptop and I had to wait a week for it to dry before I attempted to turn it back on again. That being said, this is probably the last thing I'll post for a while. I have a very important birthday present to work on, which is where all my free time is going to be going to for the next few days.
> 
> Thank you everyone for the support, and an extra thank you to everyone who gave me feedback on the last chapter. It really helped me with fixing things! I hope you enjoyed this train wreck, and I hope you tune back in soon for the next train wreck that I'm going to write!
> 
> Until next time  
> ~Starlight

**Author's Note:**

> So ya girl drank an entire bottle of grapefruit wine while writing this so at the moment I think this might be the best thing I've ever written but peep the author's note of the next chapter to see what sober me really thinks about this - that is, if I'm sober for that lmao  
> I don't think this is going to end up being all that long. Three or four chapters tops? It was going to be a one shot but i drank too much wine and I feel like multiple chapters will work well.  
> Also, this is not edited so please don't be upset if there are obvious errors. I swear I'm an English major. I'm just not a very good one!


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